Old Hermy’s Never Die
They Simply Smile That Way ……
A monthly blog about ‘stuff’ your grandmother could or would never tell you!
HURRAY! Finally some feedback on my interminable blogs and at long last I now know the facts about:
SIGMOIDS ~ A SHORT HISTORY IN TIME
The first Sigmoid (colon resection) procedures were performed by the French in the 1940’s, which along with a number of other techniques used to treat hermaphrodites, were exported to American and the United Kingdom.
As for the first androgen insensitive who underwent this procedure, I do not yet know who it was or even if they are still alive. But I for one would like to thank them, along with the surgeons and medical staff, from the bottom of my ‘Sigmoid’ for giving those denied by biology and physiology, a sex life.
You were, are an international heroin whose name and life should be mentioned with reverence by each succeeding generation of androgen insensitive's, statues should be erected of you. Congregations of hermaphrodites should sing your praises and wiping away a tear, remember the living death of a life they were saved from enduring. Before technological totalitarianism’s two-sex tyranny and the men who impose, enforce and police biological normality through medical ethnic cleansing and unremitting genocide, against all born different.
Over the top I know, but for some of us born with a biological form of ASD (Alternative Sexual Development) we could do nothing about. The choice was between a ‘Sigmoid’, and full thickness skin grafts, along with the resultant scarring for the rest of your life. As if fate were not already cruel enough given the hand that many were dealt at birth, I know which I would go with if I had to make the choice again – ‘Sigmoid’!
Despite the minor problem of not being able to get medical treatment for two and a half years from the Local Health Authority, who after sixty years have never given an accurate, consistent diagnosis or treatment. Talk about a medical nightmare without end, all I need is relatively minor surgery for a complication that is common in ‘Sigmoids’ as they grow disgracefully older.
Treatment that would make such a difference to the last few years of my painfully short life, given that for half of it I was kept dead from the waist down, without sex drive, libido, or normal male genitalia. Because for many hermaphrodites physical sex (intercourse), would have remained a spectator sport without a vaginoplasty that worked. All thanks to the French and the real unsung heroine, the first person to have a ‘Sigmoid’. Praise the Lord and pass the hormone replacement therapy.
Though essentially utilised by androgens from the 1940’s onwards, I am reliably informed that a number were performed upon transsexuals at a major British hospital during the 1960’s. Thanks to what were called sympathetic hospital administrators who thought transsexuality an intersex condition, for which the medical profession did not yet know the causes.
Consequently I was not the first ‘Sigmoid’, that honour goes to the French in the 1940’s. Nor will I be the last, though during the decades since I became the proud owner of a ‘Sigmoid, having never met anyone else with one, never spoken knowingly to another hermaphrodite, or had a chance to discuss possible complications as I grew older. It frequently felt as if I might be the only one, but that is what happened decades ago with the medical professions endemic secrecy, when you did not even get an accurate, consistent diagnosis from the local Health Authority.
You just picked yourself up. Dusted yourself down and got on with life (if life it be) as best you could, given the inescapable consequences of the two sex tyranny. Living life as a lie and pretending to be what you never can, normal. If life it be, amidst the rubble of western society’s post industrial waste-land, before the facile cult of the personality for those with over stimulated visual cortex and genetically modified remote control hand.
I might as well have been out there upon planet Zog for all I knew about ‘Sigmoids’ and intersex conditions. But I am learning fast about the inherent, systemic discrimination against certain forms of hermaphroditism. By the state and its jobs-worth automatons, servicing its insatiable needs with freshly polished spin and Fibonacci lies about those chosen by themselves, in dominion over all things.
Intersex ~ The Language of Oppression
Language remains the most insidious weapon in the oppressors arsenal, it shapes and forms personal understanding and perception, of the worlds society creates as though a prison with invisible walls, around individuality and human potential.
The word INTERSEX is a construct of the medical profession and their enduring belief in the ‘Medical Model of Disability’. Meaning that an individual is biologically either between or partly both possible sexes, as imposed by religion and its monstrous two sex tyranny, in that God created only male and female, so anything else must be the work of the Devil. Do not use it, because it only encourages the lies and shared delusions.
Some individuals prefer to use the word HERMAPHRODITE to indicate they are biologically different, members of a third, fourth and fifth sex – chromosomally there are five sexes, not two. As a linguistic description this word is archaic and coloured by its mythical origins, with hermaphrodites portrayed as strange, hybrid creatures from another time and world.
Others advocate using the term DSD (Disorders of Sexual Development). This is ‘medical model of disability’, in that some individuals are born with disorders, which need treating by Doctors in order to be cured, to be made again ordered, perfect and above all else, normal.
This term remains at the heart of the ‘normals’ two sex tyranny, in that anything not fully conforming to male or female is wrong, a disorder to be cured, to be ordered according to a shared acceptance of male and female.
Hermaphroditism and intersex conditions are not abnormal for those born with them, who like square pegs are forced into round holes by the medical profession and social expectations of the two sex tyranny. For those living with a particular biological form of ASD (ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT), this is normal, while it is everyone else that is abnormal.
Planet Zog
Where WHAT YOU ARE, is NORMAL.
Gestapo HQ and Hermaphobic Discrimination by the State
For months I been trying to discover how and why Gestapo HQ (the General Registry – now part of the infamous Passport & Identity Service), remains at the heart of the States discrimination against certain individuals with ASD (alternative sexual development). Other than being the High temple of the High Priests (the SS Stormtroopers) of bureaucracy’s two sex tyranny and Fibonacci Lie Sequence (Prime), it was founded upon and by, in order to control, to limit and oppress human potential.
The answer came from a most unexpected source, the Ministry For Injustice, to whom I had sent a letter of complaint regarding the SS Stormtroopers inside Gestapo HQ and their systematic discrimination against older hermaphrodites and those with certain forms of ASD.
In a reply posted to me on the 11th November 2011, which I mysteriously did not receive until the 3rd February 2012. I say mysteriously, though there is nothing mysterious thanks to Tony Bear’s illiberal enforcer and professional bully boy from the old bing, bang, bung, bonus school of corrupt and corrupting politics. That is why I do not have a television, because someone keeps cutting my aerial cable and telephone line, destroying anything I plant outside in my garden. Along with all the hate crimes perpetrated by the neighbours from Hell (the three Harpy) and Baron Von Munchhousen’s (By Proxy Syndrome) criminal political friends in the local Mafia. Those who hear the voice of God inside their head, the snake kissers who persecute in the name of the antichrist all who do not fall in subjugation and worship before the razor blade encrusted spin, and spittle of slick ‘power point’ presentations.
In their letter, the respondent from the Ministry For Injustice casually stated: ‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’ Completely horrified by this collective belief in systemic discrimination from Gestapo HQ and the Ministry for Injustice, I sent the following email in reply:
‘The Ministry for Injustice,
London.
25th January 2012.
Dear … ,
Many thanks for your letter dated 10th November, which I did not mysteriously receive until the 21st January 2012.
I should like to start by asking where your assertion came from when you say: ‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’ Because in my opinion this is complete rubbish!
Firstly, that is not what the Gender Recognition Act says, having read it and the appendices again, I can see no reference to hermaphrodites. Some individuals prefer to reclaim ownership of the word hermaphrodite, rather than reinforce the two sex tyranny of the ‘normals’ when chromosomally there are five sexes, by using the word ‘intersex’, meaning between the two numerically dominant sexes of male and female.
Secondly, I would agree some intersex patients may present like transsexuals in that they are not happy remaining their apparent birth sex. However, there the similarity ends and it is rather like saying that some days will be night. Transsexuals believe themselves to be trapped in the wrong body, hermaphrodites do not. Transsexuals will be biologically normal males and females, hermaphrodites are biologically partly male and partly female but wholly neither, dependent upon their form of hermaphroditism: herm, ferm or merm (read ‘The Five Sexes: Why Male and Female Are Not Enough By Anne Fausto-Sterling. The Sciences March/April 1993, p. 20-24. Anne Fausto-Sterling is Professor of Biology and Women's Studies in the Department of Molecular and Cell Biology and Biochemistry at Brown University’).
Male to female transsexuals will have normal male genitalia, a male pelvis and need breast implants; hermaphrodites have undeveloped male genitalia, a female pelvis, and their own breasts. The list of clinical differences including the forms of treatment/surgical intervention required, are extensive and in every respect as different as chalk and cheese. So how you or anyone else can say that some intersex people will also be transsexual, I am at a complete lose to understand!
Having duly read the ‘Gender Recognition Act’ and related appendices, I wrote to the relevant parties complaining about older hermaphrodites being forced to go before Gender Recognition Panels in order to correct an original birth certificate entry. Panels established to sit in judgement upon transsexuals, as no where does it mention hermaphroditism in any of its forms, or even intersex patients.
Consequently the use of Gender Recognition Panels to sit in judgement over hermaphrodites is a clear and flagrant breach of the Gender Recognition Act. Because transsexuals and hermaphrodites are not the same physically or psychologically, nor are the forms of consensual medical intervention some require the same.
Regarding my initial letter to the Ministry of Justice on 18th October 2011, I was actually making an official complaint about the discriminatory practices of the General Register Office against older hermaphrodites. Those of us born over half a century ago and who had to wait until our late twenties, because surgically no one would treat us. Along with the ongoing genocide and ethnic cleansing of hermaphroditism from society and the contemporary collective consciousness by the elected government of the day.
Who continue to deny hermaphrodites their European Human Rights (various articles) by enforcing the illusion that there are only two sexes, male and female, when chromosomally there are five. Who continue to deny individuals born different to the numerically dominant XX and XY (approximately 1 in 500 individuals will have chromosomes different to XX/XY) chromosomes, legal recognition and rights for what they are, different!
Unless they become male or female and denied a history, a collective and personal identity, live life as a lie pretending to be the one thing we can never be, normal. Or as an after thought to the transgender equality action plan, when we should have our own Bill of Rights and Parliamentary Act. It appears to me that you are intentionally muddying the waters and blurring the acknowledged distinctions between gender and sex (which can not be changed) to the advantage of transsexuals and disadvantage of hermaphrodites.
At least I am beginning to understand why the General Registry in particular, National Health Service and Ministry for Justice can and do discriminate against certain forms of hermaphroditism. While continuing to refuse legal rights and recognition to hermaphrodites at the start of the twenty first century, due to the scientifically flawed assertion of a two-sex tyranny imposed by the ‘normals’. This is not rock and roll, this is ethnic cleansing and genocide!’
What Is The Most Useful Thing I learnt About Managing ASD?
The female hormonal environment is not stable, in that hormone levels fluctuate dramatically during the oestrous cycle. Take your HRT (hormone replacement therapy) on a cyclical basis and not only will you experience psychologically/physically, what is one hell of a roller-coaster ride. Eventually, at a certain point in your monthly cycle, your hair will go ‘ting’ and other woman will know to leave you alone – PMT – grrrrrrr!!!!!
Unacceptable Medical Terminology of The Month
This months most unacceptable, insensitive, crass, insulting, thoughtless, unforgivable and stupid medical terminology is:
EUNUCHISED
Eunuchised being used to refer to an individual born supposedly male but with PAIS (Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), whose genitalia did not develop and had no sex drive or libido after the normal age of puberty. They are eunichised, which I can tell you from personal experience is about as close to being dead as you can get, without been dead and buried, probably alive!
I have no idea, which ‘concentration camp’ Doctor (it has to be a man) came up with this all time classic insult and personal put down – eunuchised – but I think they should be taken outside and hung by their normal testicles from the closest lamp-post. In fact, if you pass me the rope, I will do it myself. Lets see how they feel about being:
Eunuchised: (past tense)
Eunuchise: (present tense)
The past tense of Eunuchise, to be without normal male genitalia, or sex drive after the age of puberty though no fault of your own. And they say that Doctors are there to help by acting impersonally and in the patient’s best interest.
By referring to them as eunuchs, shame on you all!
Scratching My Skin Off!
Within days of the demented, dangerous, deluded, damnable deadly duo of Tony Bear and John Presscoat, still festering at the heart of new old Nazi Lying Liebour, for something rotten in the woodpile hides. Learning that I had been born with PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome), I started to be given something that I am assuming was/is some form of androgen.
Because I experienced a bewildering range of symptoms from red marks on my neck and a feeling of being choked, mouth ulcers, pains in the stomach and kidneys, discharge from the eyes, blisters all over my thighs and back (I have photographic evidence). Which can itch so much I wake-up scratching in my sleep, dehydration, nose bleeds, feeling faint and as if I had been hit by a large object travelling at considerable speed, urinary infections and increased temperature.
Not that anything should have surprised me about the criminals with ‘dodge dossiers’ for eyes, morticians smiles and the cold, clammy handshake of someone who had long ago died. It felt as if the main sewer running from the cold, calculating heart of Catholicism had suddenly opened in the heart of darkness that was/is John Presscoats own personal fiefdom. From which poured religions assorted mad, bad, snake kissers and the Priests of hate with their very own criminal, contemporary Inquisition.
Founded upon lies, lies and damned lies as they made a mockery of the rule of law, human rights, freedom and democracy, with their treason and criminal conspiracy. Non of which is a crime, like poisoning me with androgens for three days before Lucrecia Borga (Hilly Clintin) attended a conference in Turkey. Gas chambers and concentration camps were not a crime for the Nazi’s.
Perhaps if a scratch my skin off, Presscoat and the Stormtroopers in the local Nazi Lying Liebour Party might want to make lampshades from it, for the illumination of their own private torture chambers and persecution pavilions. That after all, is the prime advantage of the Inquisitions Kangaroo courts, no need for trial and truth when you can act as judge, jury, and executioner.
Not that I realised they had added another method to America and Britains fourteen approved methods of torture and ‘extra judicial execution’ – androgens for androgen insensitives – because all it takes for evil to prosper, apart from another dodge dossier, is that good men and women remain silent.
How long it will take to kill someone using androgens I have no idea but I currently feel very ill, all I hope is that they do not get away with murder again, thanks to dodge police, pathologist and coroner.
Nature VS Nurture ~ The Final Word
For anyone unfamiliar with the increase in surgical intervention upon intersex patients during the sixties and seventies, fundamental to the acceptability and efficacy of such treatments was a now infamous case involving research and experiments by Doctor Money. Who, having worked extensively with hermaphrodites and transsexuals, found the Holy Grail of scientific experimentation involving genetically normal, male twins belonging to the Rimmer family.
As babies both had been admitted to hospital for the routine procedure of circumcision. Bruce was scheduled to be the first twine to be circumcised that morning, unfortunately the surgeon was experiencing difficulties with the power supply to his equipment and accidentally burnt through the child’s penis.
It being easier to make a hole (vagina) rather than a fully functioning pole (penis), the distraught parents contact the world renowned Doctor Money. Who reassuringly explained that it would be in Bruce’s best interest, that he be raised as a girl. Towards this end he introduced the family to a number of male to female transsexuals. Bruce was then surgically castrated and his/her parents told not to ever tell them about being born a boy and raised Bruce as Brenda, a girl.
Doctor Money was confident that any child, biologically/physically normal or otherwise. If assigned to a sex before the age of two, could be raised to become a normal, fully integrated male or female and now, thanks to a cruel accident. He had biologically normal male twins (the Holy Grail of Scientific experimentation), one to be raised as male and the other as female.
According to initial reports from Doctor Money and his team, Brenda adapted to being a little girl without difficulty and was successfully integrated into society as a normal, healthy child. Theory proved and non consensual surgical intervention exploded like an arms race within the medical profession upon hermaphrodites and those with gender dysphoria, eager for consensual surgical reassignment.
Reports from Doctor Money and his team regarding the yearly visits by the Rimmer’s, continued to indicate that Brenda, despite being a normal, biological male, was integrating without problems and difficulties in her new gender as female. Regardless of the fact that Brenda though castrated, did not have a viginoplasty constructed from a section of ‘Sigmoid’ colon, or full thickness skin grafts.
Which as a normal little girl, Brenda would have discovered the inner spaces and pleasures that inquisitive fingers provide from an early age. Because Brenda did not have a vagina created, her personal awareness of self, developed as did those of a castrated eunuch.
Beyond the smug satisfaction and self-delusion of Doctor Money and his team, Brenda was not integrating with her immediate ‘peer group’ as anything resembling a normal, biological female. Her mother reported that Brenda remained boisterous, did not like playing with dolls, cooking and tended to dominate any groups of girls she played with. Tidier than her brother, Brenda was becoming increasingly isolated and depressed, even Brenda’s brother did not like playing with her and she was known amongst the other children as ‘cave woman’.
When allegations began to emerge that Doctor Money had taken photographs of the twins naked. What about the inevitable scars from castration and how did Brenda pee, sitting or standing? While encouraging them to simulate the sexual act, with the male twine (later diagnosed and treat as a schizophrenic) on top of poor, increasingly confused Brenda.
Still without viginoplasty and despite being prescribed oestrogen from the age of eight, developing not as a normal girl. But an increasingly depressed and isolated child, who though raised as a girl from shortly after birth, remained chromosonally and physiologically male despite the best efforts of Doctor Money and his team. Continuing to triumph as a complete success, what became known as the John/Joan case. Proof that nurture was stronger than nature and the human body a blank tablet, to be shaped and created like clay by Doctor’s with the power of God’s, according to the physical constraints of the dominant two sex tyranny.
Concerned over Brenda’s failure to integrate fully as a normal little girl, and Doctor Money’s increasingly bizarre treatment of the twins during the family’s annual visit. The Rimmer’s refused to continue visiting Doctor Money and aged fourteen, with Brenda increasingly disturbed and isolated during puberty, a traumatic time for normal females let alone ‘cave woman’, or anyone enuchised by an intersex condition. They finally did what Doctor Money said they never should, they told Brenda she had been born a boy and following a tragic accident, castrated and raised as a girl.
I can not even begin to imagine the personal trauma and emotional distress Brenda felt upon learning she had been born a healthy, normal, biological male. But, following a tragic medical accident, was eunuchised by Doctor Money in the name of scientific research that would not have been out of place in a Nazi ‘concentration camp’.
Within day’s of learning the truth, Brenda elected to become John and started taking testosterone, before undergoing reconstructive surgery to become again male. He later married a woman but was understandably unable to father a child. Though there was to be no happy ending for either brother, who both eventually committed suicide, John after divorcing his wife and the suicide of his twine.
Despite the unmitigated failure of Doctor Money and his team to successfully integrate a normal, biological male not suffering from transsexuality as female. Having castrated and reassigned them as eunuch within the first two years of life, Brenda failed to grow into anything like a normal, biological female, even after being given oestrogen from the age of eight.
Biologically and psychologically male prior to the medical accident, Brenda remained psychologically and physically if not fully male, then the eunichised victim of over enthusiastic, fundamentally flawed, medical research. By Doctors who thought themselves more powerful than God and nurture more influential than nature, wrong!
After all, it worked with hermaphrodites, individuals who for biological reasons did not conform to the two-sex tyranny that the medical profession policed for organised religion and the illusionary God it created in the name of man. It even worked with transsexuals, biologically normal males who wished to become female. So why was it not possible to take a biologically, psychologically normal male, castrate them before the age of two and through the unquestionable power of nurture, make them into a happy, balanced, normal, fully integrated female?
Probably because nature is ultimately stronger than nurture, though the biological and psychological differences are not necessarily as great, or immutable, as contemporary society would have us believe. Especially while it continues to focus upon difference as opposed to the inherent similarities, in that male and female genitalia all form from the same beginning, the same structures until DNA like a magic key, unlocks the entrance to five chromosomal doors.
This being the number of possible genetic sexes, not two as scientists, Doctors and Priests would have you believe, with their Fibonacci Lie Sequence (Prime) and clever socio/sexual prisons for what essentially through nurture, are two separate and distinct sexes. With men being from Mar’s, women from Venus and hermaphrodites from planet Zog – beam me up Scotty, I’ve laddered my stockings and broken a nail.
Nature is more powerful than nurture, that I know from personal experience having been raised as a boy, despite never identifying, or developing physically as male because of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS). At least I now know why my parents never had another child, because there was a one in four chance that it would happen again.
One puff with ‘little willey syndrome’ would have been more than enough for any father. Which is why he, with the help of the family Doctor, was so determined that I would remain male. Even if that meant I was eunuchised by my own genetics and body, when my male genitalia failed to develop normally. Leaving me a bemused spectator without sex drive, or libido, even after the Doctor’s tried to virileise me with God knows what!
The State, Society and Systemic Hermaphobic Discrimination
The majority of individuals with ASD (Alternative Sexual Development), who do not physically, or psychologically (sex or gender), contradict/question the sex assigned to them at birth (pink blanket/blue blanket). In which they are raised and nurtured, reinforced and restricted by the two-sex tyranny of the ‘normals’ as either male or female.
Do not support or feel the need for a ‘Bill of Rights’, or ASD charter as recommended upon the UK Intersex web site, including NHS treatment protocols for all forms of Alternative Sexual Development and not the postcode treatment lottery that currently exists. Why should they?
Already having the rights and legal recognition’s of the ‘normals’, they are not forced to live all their lives with less rights than the average family pet. Denied a life, medical treatment and even justice against the State and societies systemic, hermaphobic discrimination, ethnic cleansing and social genocide upon countless generations of individuals with ASD (Alternative Sexual Development).
Denied legal recognition and rights from the 18th century as members of a third, fourth and fifth sex, it increasingly fell to science and a male dominated medical profession to sit in judgement upon those with ASD. Deciding if an individual was either more female, or more male physically, in accordance with religions unquestionable two-sex tyranny.
Not until the nineteen fifties and sixties, did the arrogance and self-delusional nature of Scientists and Doctors reach a point in its flawed development. When internationally renowned individuals like Doctor Money and his colleagues could announce that nurture was more powerful than nature.
Like unto God’s they could change an individual's sex by castrating someone like Bruce, born a healthy 46 XY male. And having been eunuchised before the magic age of two, through the unquestionable power of nurture, Brenda would grow into a healthy, normal woman. Are they mad? Just as individuals like myself, eunuchised before birth by the biological consequences of PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, or ‘little willey syndrome’ as I prefer to call it). Through the all-consuming power of nurture and a whole laboratory of chemicals, would grow into a healthy, normal man. Are they mad?
The truth is, neither Brenda nor myself grew into healthy, normal, socially integrated individuals. Brenda, having learnt of the freak accident and eventual castration, immediately decided to become John, despite over a decade of female sex hormones and a life time being nurtured as female. Who, without viginoplasty failed to share the secret personal spaces and understandings all girls inevitably discover about themselves.
While Brenda’s own genetic structure – a normal 46 XY male – remained ultimately traitor to the best efforts of contemporary nurture, Doctors and modern pharmaceuticals. As increasingly isolated and depressed, Brenda became known amongst her immediate ‘peer group’ as ‘cave woman’.
Because despite the best efforts of Doctor Money and his team, Brenda remained a eunuchised male regardless of the increasingly questionable, some might say criminal experimentation and research. Which, ultimately cost both twins their mental stability and lives, because nature is more influential upon each individuals sexual development, than a lifetime of nurture and socio/sexual role reinforcement.
In my own case, I was born an apparently normal male, with small but perfectly formed genitalia. Despite being first tested for PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome) as a child, my father, with the support and help of the family GP, insisted that as I had been born male of sorts I would remain male.
Not that anyone me told me, or asked what sex I wanted to be, though I should have thought my identifying as female from an early age. Should have been a clue regarding what would turn my life into an endless, slow motion, multiple, motorway smash. Following years of child abuse, in that I was forced to remain male against my wishes, despite long ago being ‘eunuchised’ by the unseen, insidious consequences of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, when there was not a thing the Doctors could do.
I grew into a cross dressing, effeminate, little puff who throughout my life would be bullied and discriminated against, in the latter part by increasingly criminal, demented Priests and politicians, intent upon making a complete mockery of the rule of law, freedom and democracy. Based upon nothing but a pack of lies from beginning to end – I am a transsexual, I posse a threat to national security (politicians criminal, corrupt activities), they could do this.
Bla … bla … bla … bullshit from the corrupt, festering heart of British politics, the ‘Rats Palace’ (Palace of Westminster). Around which, giant ‘bungbeetles’ can be seen pushing political balls of still steaming shit, known as Right Horrible Members of Parliament.
Discovering that their cross dressing, effeminate son had PAIS and there was a one in four chance their next child could be either CAIS or PAIS. Put my parent’s marriage under increasing stress, apparently it is either passed to the child on the X chromosome, or for reasons no one can explain, can spontaneously occur in families with no previous history of androgen insensitivity.
At the time I remember realising that there was considerable personal distress, upset and disagreement over something to do with me. But because no one told me what was happening, I was not sure what and why. Anymore than I understood why I felt as I did and from the age of four until fourteen, cross-dressed.
Other than I had no idea what all this boy stuff was about and felt happier pretending to be a girl – sick or what? With male genitalia that did not develop beyond those of a five year old (even after puberty). I had neither sex drive nor libido as I was completely ‘eunuchised’ by the partial failure of my androgen receptors, during foetal development. My own genetic structure – a partial androgen insensitive 46XY female/male – remained ultimately traitor to the best efforts of contemporary nurture and modern pharmaceuticals.
I played the male games (against my wishes), had all the male nurture, male toys, male talk, and though I constantly tried, I could never walk the male walk. Increasingly isolated and depressed, I tried to committee suicide. Because, despite a lifetime of secrecy and their best efforts to make me male, I grew to be what the medical profession sensitively called, a ‘eunuchised’ male, without sex drive or libido.
It felt more like been dead, than being dead as they struggled to stop me from becoming what I always identified as, female. Despite the illogical, selfish, stubborn determination of my father that whatever the cost to my physical/mental stability and personal happiness, I would die as I had been born, a ‘eunuchised’ male (what would the neighbours say?).
Regardless of the best efforts of my father and family Doctor, wall to wall nurture as male, they could not alter what was in my biological nature as an individual born with partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, to be different. For whom this form of Alternative Sexual Development (ASD) was normal, pasted from birth into my genetic structure because of damaged/faulty androgen receptors.
So how did my father and the family Doctor finally cure this frustrating habit of cross-dressing? Aged fourteen they told me in no uncertain terms, it was a form of mental illness and unless I stopped doing it, they would have me sectioned under the mental health act and I would be given electro convulsion therapy (ECT).
Having tried to kill myself by taking an overdose I was not trusted with tablets, so my father controlled and gave them to me. Coincidentally it was around this time that I started to become fat and hairy, though my genitalia still never happened. At the time I thought it was due to steroids because I developed a ‘moon face’, a common side effect of large doses of steroids.
Just to really stick the knife in my father and GP, upon hearing I had asked for help to change my sex, kindly set me up as schizophrenic. Delaying any chance I might have regarding treatment by years, especially as when I finally escaped the lethal embrace of my parents. There was nothing in my medical records about partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. While the list of repeated misdiagnosis (how hard could it be, my genitalia had not developed normally and I had no sex drive?) went from schizophrenic to depressive, transvestite, and finally from Doctors employed by the local Health Authority, a transsexual.
Despite the fact that I had by this point been refused treatment at Charring Cross hospital, at that time the only gender identity unit in the country, because Doctor Randell did not think I was a transsexual, though what he thought I was he would never say. Any letter from Doctor Randell refusing to treat me and explaining why, had magically gone missing from my medical file. Though pages of complete and utter rubbish about me being a transsexual according to Doctor Church, mysteriously remained. Thanks for nothing – bastards!
The National Health Service and Hermaphobic Discrimination by the State
All hermaphrodites are created unequal, it is just that for the medical profession and the Hull PCT (Primary Care Trust), some hermaphrodites are more unequal than others when it comes to treatment and medical care. For me that was just the way it went I never received any treatment and support, or a consistent diagnosis in my entire life from the local Health Authority and grew to not expect any. After sixty years I just assumed the systemic discrimination was the same for all transsexuals and hermaphrodites, the repeated misdiagnosis and inherent secrecy an optional extra, thanks to a lasting legacy from my father and family GP, intent upon keeping me as male regardless of the consequences.
And they wonder why many hermaphrodites from my generation, especially those with Klinfelter and PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome) have an abiding mistrust and dislike of the medical profession. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you made what was already a living nightmare. A million times worse with secrecy, the medical model of disability, systemic discrimination, personal stigma, and shame. Non consensual surgery, forcing some hermaphrodites to remain in a sex they did not identify with and could never physically become – nurture is stronger than nature, or so they once believed regardless of empirical scientific evidence and truth – wrong!
Not helped by the two and a half years spent trying to get relatively minor surgery for a complication that is common with ageing ‘Sigmoids’, and the continuing failure to diagnose consistently, treat or support medically. If this is not systemic discrimination from the State and its Agents, I do not know what is but why?
The answer to this conundrum came like pieces in a jigsaw, firstly a year ago I discovered from my GP that according to my medical notes, I was a transsexual – what? Then, early this year, learning from the Ministry of Injustice that:
‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’
And where did the Ministry of Injustice Policy Unit get this erroneous, misguided, false, discriminatory understanding, Doctors? Because in my personal opinion this makes about as much sense as saying that it is thought that some days will be night, because some males will be female and others will not, despite having the same ASD (alternative sexual development) they will also be transsexual. Utter rubbish! I for one would like to test this systemic discrimination, denial of medical treatment, legal recognition and rights, openly in a court of law.
See you in court Nazi’s!
The Final Taboo
Shell shocked, shaky, unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed is how I feel, having received a copy of my medical file from the hospital, where decades ago I went through a male to female transfer, with ‘Sigmoid’. I now know what destroyed my life from before I was even born, rather than have to keep writing these interminable, boring blogs. Trying to pin a name to pin a name to the iceberg into which I smashed, sailing at full speed across the ocean of existence, towards my inevitable destruction, the consequences of a doomed puberty that like reinforced concrete, set all about my fractured, faulted form.
I even learnt the facts about ‘Sigmoids’ and how they were pioneered by the French in the 1940’s, while out there on planet Zog it was not surprising that at times I felt like not the only one, but the first (only for a PAIS at that unit). Because in decades I never knowingly met another ‘Sigmoid’ or had any support and advice concerning this procedure and being hermaphrodite (later know as intersex) from the local Health Authority.
Forever alone with the Alone, I survived through personal denial and the reflective qualities of the void, of the emptiness, the isolation, the separation from all things normal that being a hermaphrodite causes as if long dead, you endure through imitation and incorporation – I see, therefore I do and am.
The monster that destroyed my life has a name, a cause and effect there is no avoiding, no escaping as it turned a thousand rusted and broken cog wheels. Though along with this particular monster other things hide in silence, creatures that killed with pale poisons, animals that stunted, warped human potential and possibility for selfish gain, deadly reptiles cold to the touch and sweating blood, transparent truths separating parallel realities with impenetrable barriers.
Things that surprised, that hurt through stealth and determination came screaming from the Pandora’s box of secrets I had finally opened. While searching for the truth and some understanding of what caused my personal fall, the fracture that split my life asunder, blighting all that I might become before societies unforgiving, two sex tyranny and technological totalitarianism’s remorseless search for perfection and standardisation.
Turning life for the ‘outsiders’, the shadows and all touched by physical and mental imperfections, into a nightmare without end within the high definition, high delusion lies of the military and industrial complexes lifeless wasteland. That is postindustrial western society, for those ‘zombied out’ by the endless pursuit of personal wealth and power.
What really upset me was not learning the reason I never had normal genitalia or virilised at puberty, a living nightmare for thirty years. Most of it trying to get help from Doctors intent upon making what was already difficult enough, a thousand times worse. But the fact that when I leant the curses secret name – partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS) – I realised that someone had tested me for it as a child. Because at the time I did not know what the hell was going on and no one told me, or bothered to ask what sex I might personally prefer to be.
It was this endemic secrecy on the part of the medical profession and parents that eventually killed, as surely as if someone had put a gun to your head and pulled the trigger. Like a cancer it festered away in the imagination because though no one told you what was happening and why, it and the domestic consequences, it killed slowly, inexorably. Because partial androgen insensitivity syndrome does not just destroy any chance of a normal life for the child, it also destroys the parents lives and in some cases marriages.
At least I now understand why my father and family Doctor were so determined that I was going to be male, regardless of the personal consequences and fact that someone knew I did not have a hope in hell of developing into anything resembling a normal man.
Given their determination regarding the fact that I was going to be male, I did not stand a chance from the very beginning. I was born with a perfectly formed little ‘willey’ and that meant I was going to be a man, regardless of whether my genitalia developed or not, which it did not beyond the age of five or six.
Why do seemingly loving, caring parents, suddenly become irrational monsters with the determination of rutting rhinoceros. When faced with a child suffering from partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS) level 3, little ‘willey’ syndrome? Whose genitalia did not develop as other children, who medically had not a hope in hell of virilising without pharmacological intervention (against my personal wishes).
Putting such children through a social and personal nightmare that like shards of shattered glass, penetrates to the very heart of their being, their sense of self worth with the inevitable inferiority and inadequacy complexes. Destroying like a virus, at first unnoticed more an inconvenience than a life threatening condition. Until the inevitable moment of impact – puberty – when like ‘road kill’, you are left for dead while the party moves on.
Bemused, frightened and alone, even that old survival mechanism of ‘imitation and incorporation’ failing to protect. As like a badly acted role in a play, you stand exposed in the ‘spot light’ more dead than alive, mouthing someone else’s lines despite having long ago lost your place in the script. Why fifty, sixty years ago, did what relatives, friends and neighbours think or say, matter more than the personal ‘well being’ of a child, especially if that child was physically different through no fault of their own?
Because someone tested me for partial androgen insensitivity syndrome when I was a child, yet no one told me, or asked if I felt like a girl or a boy and which I might prefer to be. I was christened a boy and a boy I would remain according to my father and family GP. They must have been really pissed, when a few years later, having heard about people changing their sex (whose filling your head with this nonsense?). I started to say I did not feel happy as a boy but would prefer to be a girl (what would the neighbours think?).
Determined that I was going to be a man, all be it one with little ‘willey’ syndrome and no sex drive, they (father/GP) set me up as a schizophrenic before I even encountered the medical profession. As if a double barrel shotgun, fired at point blank range into my heart when I sat through Bickfords infamous speech: ‘If I got a patient coming to see me, asking to be Nelson. The last thing I would do is arrange for a surgeon to amputate their arm and take out their eye. You are clearly a schizophrenic and with the correct medication and support, there is no reason why you should not live a full and productive life’. I knew my father and the family Doctor were doing everything they could, to ensure I did not manage to find someone to help surgically. Bastards!
Having proven to Bickford that I was not a schizophrenic, but not before a final attempt to virilise me with God knows what? I think steroids because at the time I developed what is called a ‘moon face’, became suddenly very fat and hairy, though me genitalia never increased in size and I still did not develop a sex drive. Bastards!
What happened about the tests for partial androgen insensitivity syndrome I do not know, but by the time I had seen a fourth psychiatrist I was firstly a transvestite then suddenly a transsexual (you were always normal as far as I was concerned). At least he encouraged me to live full time as female, less schizophrenic than being a male one day and female the next but not as much fun (what would the neighbours think?). He even gave me a letter: ‘To whom it my concern … ’ in case I was arrested going into female toilets (catheterise them), not that I ever was.
When I eventually managed to escape from my father and the family Doctor, the strange thing was, not only did my medical file appear to contain anything about genital abnormality and partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. I had by that point seen the infamous Doctor Randell at Charring Cross Hospital, who refused to treat me saying: ‘I do not think that you are a transsexual.’ Bastard! Despite which, there was no letter from him to my family GP explaining why he would not treat me (cheering off stage).
Had they no idea of the personal trauma they were putting me through? Or the times I stood alone upon the edge of nothingness not caring if I lived or died. But above all, the devastating consequences of not only being abnormal but the fact that as the years passed, I metamorphosed physically into an ‘It’, a ‘thing’ that was no longer human but an ‘outsider’, a bemused spectator before the cruel sports of the ‘normals’.
Poisoned by the very thing I should have become from birth, it was a personal curse there was to be no escaping in this world or the next, especially if my father and family GP had anything to do with it. I do not know if it had anything to do with the fact that the GP was an Irish Catholic and my father always used to play at the Irish Society Saint Patrick’s Day dinner/dance and I got lots of streamers.
At least I had a perfectly formed little ‘willey’, more than those born with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (CAIS - formally known as gentile feminisation syndrome) did. But like they say, you can’t miss what you never had. It may have taken sixty years but I have escaped the Final Taboo and am proud to say I did not have the balls for a successful sex change operation, but personally I would rather have more brains than balls.
Not happy with the years of child abuse, forcing someone to remain a sex they do not identify as or with, against their wishes, is a form of child abuse inflicted upon me by my father and family GP. This was the lasting legacy I took with me when, having realised that unless I escaped the malign influence of the determined monsters they increasingly became; I would remain forever male and probably personally damaged. To the point when I could no longer be integrated successfully into society as a functioning male or female.
Encouraging me to live full time as female and a letter ‘to whom it may concern’, was the only practical help I ever received from the local Health Authority, whose second most senior psychiatrist appeared incapable of telling the difference between a transvestite, transsexual and hermaphrodite.
It was an endocrinologist from the Withington Hospital in Manchester who first prescribed oestrogen and surgeons from the Leeds health Authority. Who finally performed the surgery I had so long been denied by those determined I was going to be male and remain that way. Regardless of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (little ‘willey’ syndrome), the fact that I could not virilise without pharmacological intervention and never had, or would have a male sex drive.
Which is why, thirty-six years after Doctor Randell refused to treat me, thirty years after a male to female transfer with ‘Sigmoid’ because I did not have the balls for a successful penile inversion (sex change), or need breast implants. According to my medical records with the local Health Authority I remain a transsexual, all be it the only one without the balls for a sex change, who did not need breast implants I have come across.
But when you understand the litany of lies used to glorify the anti-Christ, justify the Priests of hate and vacuous Vicars, it is not surprising.
They Simply Smile That Way ……
A monthly blog about ‘stuff’ your grandmother could or would never tell you!
HURRAY! Finally some feedback on my interminable blogs and at long last I now know the facts about:
SIGMOIDS ~ A SHORT HISTORY IN TIME
The first Sigmoid (colon resection) procedures were performed by the French in the 1940’s, which along with a number of other techniques used to treat hermaphrodites, were exported to American and the United Kingdom.
As for the first androgen insensitive who underwent this procedure, I do not yet know who it was or even if they are still alive. But I for one would like to thank them, along with the surgeons and medical staff, from the bottom of my ‘Sigmoid’ for giving those denied by biology and physiology, a sex life.
You were, are an international heroin whose name and life should be mentioned with reverence by each succeeding generation of androgen insensitive's, statues should be erected of you. Congregations of hermaphrodites should sing your praises and wiping away a tear, remember the living death of a life they were saved from enduring. Before technological totalitarianism’s two-sex tyranny and the men who impose, enforce and police biological normality through medical ethnic cleansing and unremitting genocide, against all born different.
Over the top I know, but for some of us born with a biological form of ASD (Alternative Sexual Development) we could do nothing about. The choice was between a ‘Sigmoid’, and full thickness skin grafts, along with the resultant scarring for the rest of your life. As if fate were not already cruel enough given the hand that many were dealt at birth, I know which I would go with if I had to make the choice again – ‘Sigmoid’!
Despite the minor problem of not being able to get medical treatment for two and a half years from the Local Health Authority, who after sixty years have never given an accurate, consistent diagnosis or treatment. Talk about a medical nightmare without end, all I need is relatively minor surgery for a complication that is common in ‘Sigmoids’ as they grow disgracefully older.
Treatment that would make such a difference to the last few years of my painfully short life, given that for half of it I was kept dead from the waist down, without sex drive, libido, or normal male genitalia. Because for many hermaphrodites physical sex (intercourse), would have remained a spectator sport without a vaginoplasty that worked. All thanks to the French and the real unsung heroine, the first person to have a ‘Sigmoid’. Praise the Lord and pass the hormone replacement therapy.
Though essentially utilised by androgens from the 1940’s onwards, I am reliably informed that a number were performed upon transsexuals at a major British hospital during the 1960’s. Thanks to what were called sympathetic hospital administrators who thought transsexuality an intersex condition, for which the medical profession did not yet know the causes.
Consequently I was not the first ‘Sigmoid’, that honour goes to the French in the 1940’s. Nor will I be the last, though during the decades since I became the proud owner of a ‘Sigmoid, having never met anyone else with one, never spoken knowingly to another hermaphrodite, or had a chance to discuss possible complications as I grew older. It frequently felt as if I might be the only one, but that is what happened decades ago with the medical professions endemic secrecy, when you did not even get an accurate, consistent diagnosis from the local Health Authority.
You just picked yourself up. Dusted yourself down and got on with life (if life it be) as best you could, given the inescapable consequences of the two sex tyranny. Living life as a lie and pretending to be what you never can, normal. If life it be, amidst the rubble of western society’s post industrial waste-land, before the facile cult of the personality for those with over stimulated visual cortex and genetically modified remote control hand.
I might as well have been out there upon planet Zog for all I knew about ‘Sigmoids’ and intersex conditions. But I am learning fast about the inherent, systemic discrimination against certain forms of hermaphroditism. By the state and its jobs-worth automatons, servicing its insatiable needs with freshly polished spin and Fibonacci lies about those chosen by themselves, in dominion over all things.
Intersex ~ The Language of Oppression
Language remains the most insidious weapon in the oppressors arsenal, it shapes and forms personal understanding and perception, of the worlds society creates as though a prison with invisible walls, around individuality and human potential.
The word INTERSEX is a construct of the medical profession and their enduring belief in the ‘Medical Model of Disability’. Meaning that an individual is biologically either between or partly both possible sexes, as imposed by religion and its monstrous two sex tyranny, in that God created only male and female, so anything else must be the work of the Devil. Do not use it, because it only encourages the lies and shared delusions.
Some individuals prefer to use the word HERMAPHRODITE to indicate they are biologically different, members of a third, fourth and fifth sex – chromosomally there are five sexes, not two. As a linguistic description this word is archaic and coloured by its mythical origins, with hermaphrodites portrayed as strange, hybrid creatures from another time and world.
Others advocate using the term DSD (Disorders of Sexual Development). This is ‘medical model of disability’, in that some individuals are born with disorders, which need treating by Doctors in order to be cured, to be made again ordered, perfect and above all else, normal.
This term remains at the heart of the ‘normals’ two sex tyranny, in that anything not fully conforming to male or female is wrong, a disorder to be cured, to be ordered according to a shared acceptance of male and female.
Hermaphroditism and intersex conditions are not abnormal for those born with them, who like square pegs are forced into round holes by the medical profession and social expectations of the two sex tyranny. For those living with a particular biological form of ASD (ALTERNATIVE SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT), this is normal, while it is everyone else that is abnormal.
Planet Zog
Where WHAT YOU ARE, is NORMAL.
Gestapo HQ and Hermaphobic Discrimination by the State
For months I been trying to discover how and why Gestapo HQ (the General Registry – now part of the infamous Passport & Identity Service), remains at the heart of the States discrimination against certain individuals with ASD (alternative sexual development). Other than being the High temple of the High Priests (the SS Stormtroopers) of bureaucracy’s two sex tyranny and Fibonacci Lie Sequence (Prime), it was founded upon and by, in order to control, to limit and oppress human potential.
The answer came from a most unexpected source, the Ministry For Injustice, to whom I had sent a letter of complaint regarding the SS Stormtroopers inside Gestapo HQ and their systematic discrimination against older hermaphrodites and those with certain forms of ASD.
In a reply posted to me on the 11th November 2011, which I mysteriously did not receive until the 3rd February 2012. I say mysteriously, though there is nothing mysterious thanks to Tony Bear’s illiberal enforcer and professional bully boy from the old bing, bang, bung, bonus school of corrupt and corrupting politics. That is why I do not have a television, because someone keeps cutting my aerial cable and telephone line, destroying anything I plant outside in my garden. Along with all the hate crimes perpetrated by the neighbours from Hell (the three Harpy) and Baron Von Munchhousen’s (By Proxy Syndrome) criminal political friends in the local Mafia. Those who hear the voice of God inside their head, the snake kissers who persecute in the name of the antichrist all who do not fall in subjugation and worship before the razor blade encrusted spin, and spittle of slick ‘power point’ presentations.
In their letter, the respondent from the Ministry For Injustice casually stated: ‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’ Completely horrified by this collective belief in systemic discrimination from Gestapo HQ and the Ministry for Injustice, I sent the following email in reply:
‘The Ministry for Injustice,
London.
25th January 2012.
Dear … ,
Many thanks for your letter dated 10th November, which I did not mysteriously receive until the 21st January 2012.
I should like to start by asking where your assertion came from when you say: ‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’ Because in my opinion this is complete rubbish!
Firstly, that is not what the Gender Recognition Act says, having read it and the appendices again, I can see no reference to hermaphrodites. Some individuals prefer to reclaim ownership of the word hermaphrodite, rather than reinforce the two sex tyranny of the ‘normals’ when chromosomally there are five sexes, by using the word ‘intersex’, meaning between the two numerically dominant sexes of male and female.
Secondly, I would agree some intersex patients may present like transsexuals in that they are not happy remaining their apparent birth sex. However, there the similarity ends and it is rather like saying that some days will be night. Transsexuals believe themselves to be trapped in the wrong body, hermaphrodites do not. Transsexuals will be biologically normal males and females, hermaphrodites are biologically partly male and partly female but wholly neither, dependent upon their form of hermaphroditism: herm, ferm or merm (read ‘The Five Sexes: Why Male and Female Are Not Enough By Anne Fausto-Sterling. The Sciences March/April 1993, p. 20-24. Anne Fausto-Sterling is Professor of Biology and Women's Studies in the Department of Molecular and Cell Biology and Biochemistry at Brown University’).
Male to female transsexuals will have normal male genitalia, a male pelvis and need breast implants; hermaphrodites have undeveloped male genitalia, a female pelvis, and their own breasts. The list of clinical differences including the forms of treatment/surgical intervention required, are extensive and in every respect as different as chalk and cheese. So how you or anyone else can say that some intersex people will also be transsexual, I am at a complete lose to understand!
Having duly read the ‘Gender Recognition Act’ and related appendices, I wrote to the relevant parties complaining about older hermaphrodites being forced to go before Gender Recognition Panels in order to correct an original birth certificate entry. Panels established to sit in judgement upon transsexuals, as no where does it mention hermaphroditism in any of its forms, or even intersex patients.
Consequently the use of Gender Recognition Panels to sit in judgement over hermaphrodites is a clear and flagrant breach of the Gender Recognition Act. Because transsexuals and hermaphrodites are not the same physically or psychologically, nor are the forms of consensual medical intervention some require the same.
Regarding my initial letter to the Ministry of Justice on 18th October 2011, I was actually making an official complaint about the discriminatory practices of the General Register Office against older hermaphrodites. Those of us born over half a century ago and who had to wait until our late twenties, because surgically no one would treat us. Along with the ongoing genocide and ethnic cleansing of hermaphroditism from society and the contemporary collective consciousness by the elected government of the day.
Who continue to deny hermaphrodites their European Human Rights (various articles) by enforcing the illusion that there are only two sexes, male and female, when chromosomally there are five. Who continue to deny individuals born different to the numerically dominant XX and XY (approximately 1 in 500 individuals will have chromosomes different to XX/XY) chromosomes, legal recognition and rights for what they are, different!
Unless they become male or female and denied a history, a collective and personal identity, live life as a lie pretending to be the one thing we can never be, normal. Or as an after thought to the transgender equality action plan, when we should have our own Bill of Rights and Parliamentary Act. It appears to me that you are intentionally muddying the waters and blurring the acknowledged distinctions between gender and sex (which can not be changed) to the advantage of transsexuals and disadvantage of hermaphrodites.
At least I am beginning to understand why the General Registry in particular, National Health Service and Ministry for Justice can and do discriminate against certain forms of hermaphroditism. While continuing to refuse legal rights and recognition to hermaphrodites at the start of the twenty first century, due to the scientifically flawed assertion of a two-sex tyranny imposed by the ‘normals’. This is not rock and roll, this is ethnic cleansing and genocide!’
What Is The Most Useful Thing I learnt About Managing ASD?
The female hormonal environment is not stable, in that hormone levels fluctuate dramatically during the oestrous cycle. Take your HRT (hormone replacement therapy) on a cyclical basis and not only will you experience psychologically/physically, what is one hell of a roller-coaster ride. Eventually, at a certain point in your monthly cycle, your hair will go ‘ting’ and other woman will know to leave you alone – PMT – grrrrrrr!!!!!
Unacceptable Medical Terminology of The Month
This months most unacceptable, insensitive, crass, insulting, thoughtless, unforgivable and stupid medical terminology is:
Eunuchised being used to refer to an individual born supposedly male but with PAIS (Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome), whose genitalia did not develop and had no sex drive or libido after the normal age of puberty. They are eunichised, which I can tell you from personal experience is about as close to being dead as you can get, without been dead and buried, probably alive!
I have no idea, which ‘concentration camp’ Doctor (it has to be a man) came up with this all time classic insult and personal put down – eunuchised – but I think they should be taken outside and hung by their normal testicles from the closest lamp-post. In fact, if you pass me the rope, I will do it myself. Lets see how they feel about being:
Eunuchise: (present tense)
The past tense of Eunuchise, to be without normal male genitalia, or sex drive after the age of puberty though no fault of your own. And they say that Doctors are there to help by acting impersonally and in the patient’s best interest.
By referring to them as eunuchs, shame on you all!
Scratching My Skin Off!
Within days of the demented, dangerous, deluded, damnable deadly duo of Tony Bear and John Presscoat, still festering at the heart of new old Nazi Lying Liebour, for something rotten in the woodpile hides. Learning that I had been born with PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome), I started to be given something that I am assuming was/is some form of androgen.
Because I experienced a bewildering range of symptoms from red marks on my neck and a feeling of being choked, mouth ulcers, pains in the stomach and kidneys, discharge from the eyes, blisters all over my thighs and back (I have photographic evidence). Which can itch so much I wake-up scratching in my sleep, dehydration, nose bleeds, feeling faint and as if I had been hit by a large object travelling at considerable speed, urinary infections and increased temperature.
Not that anything should have surprised me about the criminals with ‘dodge dossiers’ for eyes, morticians smiles and the cold, clammy handshake of someone who had long ago died. It felt as if the main sewer running from the cold, calculating heart of Catholicism had suddenly opened in the heart of darkness that was/is John Presscoats own personal fiefdom. From which poured religions assorted mad, bad, snake kissers and the Priests of hate with their very own criminal, contemporary Inquisition.
Founded upon lies, lies and damned lies as they made a mockery of the rule of law, human rights, freedom and democracy, with their treason and criminal conspiracy. Non of which is a crime, like poisoning me with androgens for three days before Lucrecia Borga (Hilly Clintin) attended a conference in Turkey. Gas chambers and concentration camps were not a crime for the Nazi’s.
Perhaps if a scratch my skin off, Presscoat and the Stormtroopers in the local Nazi Lying Liebour Party might want to make lampshades from it, for the illumination of their own private torture chambers and persecution pavilions. That after all, is the prime advantage of the Inquisitions Kangaroo courts, no need for trial and truth when you can act as judge, jury, and executioner.
Not that I realised they had added another method to America and Britains fourteen approved methods of torture and ‘extra judicial execution’ – androgens for androgen insensitives – because all it takes for evil to prosper, apart from another dodge dossier, is that good men and women remain silent.
How long it will take to kill someone using androgens I have no idea but I currently feel very ill, all I hope is that they do not get away with murder again, thanks to dodge police, pathologist and coroner.
Nature VS Nurture ~ The Final Word
For anyone unfamiliar with the increase in surgical intervention upon intersex patients during the sixties and seventies, fundamental to the acceptability and efficacy of such treatments was a now infamous case involving research and experiments by Doctor Money. Who, having worked extensively with hermaphrodites and transsexuals, found the Holy Grail of scientific experimentation involving genetically normal, male twins belonging to the Rimmer family.
As babies both had been admitted to hospital for the routine procedure of circumcision. Bruce was scheduled to be the first twine to be circumcised that morning, unfortunately the surgeon was experiencing difficulties with the power supply to his equipment and accidentally burnt through the child’s penis.
It being easier to make a hole (vagina) rather than a fully functioning pole (penis), the distraught parents contact the world renowned Doctor Money. Who reassuringly explained that it would be in Bruce’s best interest, that he be raised as a girl. Towards this end he introduced the family to a number of male to female transsexuals. Bruce was then surgically castrated and his/her parents told not to ever tell them about being born a boy and raised Bruce as Brenda, a girl.
Doctor Money was confident that any child, biologically/physically normal or otherwise. If assigned to a sex before the age of two, could be raised to become a normal, fully integrated male or female and now, thanks to a cruel accident. He had biologically normal male twins (the Holy Grail of Scientific experimentation), one to be raised as male and the other as female.
According to initial reports from Doctor Money and his team, Brenda adapted to being a little girl without difficulty and was successfully integrated into society as a normal, healthy child. Theory proved and non consensual surgical intervention exploded like an arms race within the medical profession upon hermaphrodites and those with gender dysphoria, eager for consensual surgical reassignment.
Reports from Doctor Money and his team regarding the yearly visits by the Rimmer’s, continued to indicate that Brenda, despite being a normal, biological male, was integrating without problems and difficulties in her new gender as female. Regardless of the fact that Brenda though castrated, did not have a viginoplasty constructed from a section of ‘Sigmoid’ colon, or full thickness skin grafts.
Which as a normal little girl, Brenda would have discovered the inner spaces and pleasures that inquisitive fingers provide from an early age. Because Brenda did not have a vagina created, her personal awareness of self, developed as did those of a castrated eunuch.
Beyond the smug satisfaction and self-delusion of Doctor Money and his team, Brenda was not integrating with her immediate ‘peer group’ as anything resembling a normal, biological female. Her mother reported that Brenda remained boisterous, did not like playing with dolls, cooking and tended to dominate any groups of girls she played with. Tidier than her brother, Brenda was becoming increasingly isolated and depressed, even Brenda’s brother did not like playing with her and she was known amongst the other children as ‘cave woman’.
When allegations began to emerge that Doctor Money had taken photographs of the twins naked. What about the inevitable scars from castration and how did Brenda pee, sitting or standing? While encouraging them to simulate the sexual act, with the male twine (later diagnosed and treat as a schizophrenic) on top of poor, increasingly confused Brenda.
Still without viginoplasty and despite being prescribed oestrogen from the age of eight, developing not as a normal girl. But an increasingly depressed and isolated child, who though raised as a girl from shortly after birth, remained chromosonally and physiologically male despite the best efforts of Doctor Money and his team. Continuing to triumph as a complete success, what became known as the John/Joan case. Proof that nurture was stronger than nature and the human body a blank tablet, to be shaped and created like clay by Doctor’s with the power of God’s, according to the physical constraints of the dominant two sex tyranny.
Concerned over Brenda’s failure to integrate fully as a normal little girl, and Doctor Money’s increasingly bizarre treatment of the twins during the family’s annual visit. The Rimmer’s refused to continue visiting Doctor Money and aged fourteen, with Brenda increasingly disturbed and isolated during puberty, a traumatic time for normal females let alone ‘cave woman’, or anyone enuchised by an intersex condition. They finally did what Doctor Money said they never should, they told Brenda she had been born a boy and following a tragic accident, castrated and raised as a girl.
I can not even begin to imagine the personal trauma and emotional distress Brenda felt upon learning she had been born a healthy, normal, biological male. But, following a tragic medical accident, was eunuchised by Doctor Money in the name of scientific research that would not have been out of place in a Nazi ‘concentration camp’.
Within day’s of learning the truth, Brenda elected to become John and started taking testosterone, before undergoing reconstructive surgery to become again male. He later married a woman but was understandably unable to father a child. Though there was to be no happy ending for either brother, who both eventually committed suicide, John after divorcing his wife and the suicide of his twine.
Despite the unmitigated failure of Doctor Money and his team to successfully integrate a normal, biological male not suffering from transsexuality as female. Having castrated and reassigned them as eunuch within the first two years of life, Brenda failed to grow into anything like a normal, biological female, even after being given oestrogen from the age of eight.
Biologically and psychologically male prior to the medical accident, Brenda remained psychologically and physically if not fully male, then the eunichised victim of over enthusiastic, fundamentally flawed, medical research. By Doctors who thought themselves more powerful than God and nurture more influential than nature, wrong!
After all, it worked with hermaphrodites, individuals who for biological reasons did not conform to the two-sex tyranny that the medical profession policed for organised religion and the illusionary God it created in the name of man. It even worked with transsexuals, biologically normal males who wished to become female. So why was it not possible to take a biologically, psychologically normal male, castrate them before the age of two and through the unquestionable power of nurture, make them into a happy, balanced, normal, fully integrated female?
Probably because nature is ultimately stronger than nurture, though the biological and psychological differences are not necessarily as great, or immutable, as contemporary society would have us believe. Especially while it continues to focus upon difference as opposed to the inherent similarities, in that male and female genitalia all form from the same beginning, the same structures until DNA like a magic key, unlocks the entrance to five chromosomal doors.
This being the number of possible genetic sexes, not two as scientists, Doctors and Priests would have you believe, with their Fibonacci Lie Sequence (Prime) and clever socio/sexual prisons for what essentially through nurture, are two separate and distinct sexes. With men being from Mar’s, women from Venus and hermaphrodites from planet Zog – beam me up Scotty, I’ve laddered my stockings and broken a nail.
Nature is more powerful than nurture, that I know from personal experience having been raised as a boy, despite never identifying, or developing physically as male because of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS). At least I now know why my parents never had another child, because there was a one in four chance that it would happen again.
One puff with ‘little willey syndrome’ would have been more than enough for any father. Which is why he, with the help of the family Doctor, was so determined that I would remain male. Even if that meant I was eunuchised by my own genetics and body, when my male genitalia failed to develop normally. Leaving me a bemused spectator without sex drive, or libido, even after the Doctor’s tried to virileise me with God knows what!
The State, Society and Systemic Hermaphobic Discrimination
The majority of individuals with ASD (Alternative Sexual Development), who do not physically, or psychologically (sex or gender), contradict/question the sex assigned to them at birth (pink blanket/blue blanket). In which they are raised and nurtured, reinforced and restricted by the two-sex tyranny of the ‘normals’ as either male or female.
Do not support or feel the need for a ‘Bill of Rights’, or ASD charter as recommended upon the UK Intersex web site, including NHS treatment protocols for all forms of Alternative Sexual Development and not the postcode treatment lottery that currently exists. Why should they?
Already having the rights and legal recognition’s of the ‘normals’, they are not forced to live all their lives with less rights than the average family pet. Denied a life, medical treatment and even justice against the State and societies systemic, hermaphobic discrimination, ethnic cleansing and social genocide upon countless generations of individuals with ASD (Alternative Sexual Development).
Denied legal recognition and rights from the 18th century as members of a third, fourth and fifth sex, it increasingly fell to science and a male dominated medical profession to sit in judgement upon those with ASD. Deciding if an individual was either more female, or more male physically, in accordance with religions unquestionable two-sex tyranny.
Not until the nineteen fifties and sixties, did the arrogance and self-delusional nature of Scientists and Doctors reach a point in its flawed development. When internationally renowned individuals like Doctor Money and his colleagues could announce that nurture was more powerful than nature.
Like unto God’s they could change an individual's sex by castrating someone like Bruce, born a healthy 46 XY male. And having been eunuchised before the magic age of two, through the unquestionable power of nurture, Brenda would grow into a healthy, normal woman. Are they mad? Just as individuals like myself, eunuchised before birth by the biological consequences of PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, or ‘little willey syndrome’ as I prefer to call it). Through the all-consuming power of nurture and a whole laboratory of chemicals, would grow into a healthy, normal man. Are they mad?
The truth is, neither Brenda nor myself grew into healthy, normal, socially integrated individuals. Brenda, having learnt of the freak accident and eventual castration, immediately decided to become John, despite over a decade of female sex hormones and a life time being nurtured as female. Who, without viginoplasty failed to share the secret personal spaces and understandings all girls inevitably discover about themselves.
While Brenda’s own genetic structure – a normal 46 XY male – remained ultimately traitor to the best efforts of contemporary nurture, Doctors and modern pharmaceuticals. As increasingly isolated and depressed, Brenda became known amongst her immediate ‘peer group’ as ‘cave woman’.
Because despite the best efforts of Doctor Money and his team, Brenda remained a eunuchised male regardless of the increasingly questionable, some might say criminal experimentation and research. Which, ultimately cost both twins their mental stability and lives, because nature is more influential upon each individuals sexual development, than a lifetime of nurture and socio/sexual role reinforcement.
In my own case, I was born an apparently normal male, with small but perfectly formed genitalia. Despite being first tested for PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome) as a child, my father, with the support and help of the family GP, insisted that as I had been born male of sorts I would remain male.
Not that anyone me told me, or asked what sex I wanted to be, though I should have thought my identifying as female from an early age. Should have been a clue regarding what would turn my life into an endless, slow motion, multiple, motorway smash. Following years of child abuse, in that I was forced to remain male against my wishes, despite long ago being ‘eunuchised’ by the unseen, insidious consequences of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, when there was not a thing the Doctors could do.
I grew into a cross dressing, effeminate, little puff who throughout my life would be bullied and discriminated against, in the latter part by increasingly criminal, demented Priests and politicians, intent upon making a complete mockery of the rule of law, freedom and democracy. Based upon nothing but a pack of lies from beginning to end – I am a transsexual, I posse a threat to national security (politicians criminal, corrupt activities), they could do this.
Bla … bla … bla … bullshit from the corrupt, festering heart of British politics, the ‘Rats Palace’ (Palace of Westminster). Around which, giant ‘bungbeetles’ can be seen pushing political balls of still steaming shit, known as Right Horrible Members of Parliament.
Discovering that their cross dressing, effeminate son had PAIS and there was a one in four chance their next child could be either CAIS or PAIS. Put my parent’s marriage under increasing stress, apparently it is either passed to the child on the X chromosome, or for reasons no one can explain, can spontaneously occur in families with no previous history of androgen insensitivity.
At the time I remember realising that there was considerable personal distress, upset and disagreement over something to do with me. But because no one told me what was happening, I was not sure what and why. Anymore than I understood why I felt as I did and from the age of four until fourteen, cross-dressed.
Other than I had no idea what all this boy stuff was about and felt happier pretending to be a girl – sick or what? With male genitalia that did not develop beyond those of a five year old (even after puberty). I had neither sex drive nor libido as I was completely ‘eunuchised’ by the partial failure of my androgen receptors, during foetal development. My own genetic structure – a partial androgen insensitive 46XY female/male – remained ultimately traitor to the best efforts of contemporary nurture and modern pharmaceuticals.
I played the male games (against my wishes), had all the male nurture, male toys, male talk, and though I constantly tried, I could never walk the male walk. Increasingly isolated and depressed, I tried to committee suicide. Because, despite a lifetime of secrecy and their best efforts to make me male, I grew to be what the medical profession sensitively called, a ‘eunuchised’ male, without sex drive or libido.
It felt more like been dead, than being dead as they struggled to stop me from becoming what I always identified as, female. Despite the illogical, selfish, stubborn determination of my father that whatever the cost to my physical/mental stability and personal happiness, I would die as I had been born, a ‘eunuchised’ male (what would the neighbours say?).
Regardless of the best efforts of my father and family Doctor, wall to wall nurture as male, they could not alter what was in my biological nature as an individual born with partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, to be different. For whom this form of Alternative Sexual Development (ASD) was normal, pasted from birth into my genetic structure because of damaged/faulty androgen receptors.
So how did my father and the family Doctor finally cure this frustrating habit of cross-dressing? Aged fourteen they told me in no uncertain terms, it was a form of mental illness and unless I stopped doing it, they would have me sectioned under the mental health act and I would be given electro convulsion therapy (ECT).
Having tried to kill myself by taking an overdose I was not trusted with tablets, so my father controlled and gave them to me. Coincidentally it was around this time that I started to become fat and hairy, though my genitalia still never happened. At the time I thought it was due to steroids because I developed a ‘moon face’, a common side effect of large doses of steroids.
Just to really stick the knife in my father and GP, upon hearing I had asked for help to change my sex, kindly set me up as schizophrenic. Delaying any chance I might have regarding treatment by years, especially as when I finally escaped the lethal embrace of my parents. There was nothing in my medical records about partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. While the list of repeated misdiagnosis (how hard could it be, my genitalia had not developed normally and I had no sex drive?) went from schizophrenic to depressive, transvestite, and finally from Doctors employed by the local Health Authority, a transsexual.
Despite the fact that I had by this point been refused treatment at Charring Cross hospital, at that time the only gender identity unit in the country, because Doctor Randell did not think I was a transsexual, though what he thought I was he would never say. Any letter from Doctor Randell refusing to treat me and explaining why, had magically gone missing from my medical file. Though pages of complete and utter rubbish about me being a transsexual according to Doctor Church, mysteriously remained. Thanks for nothing – bastards!
The National Health Service and Hermaphobic Discrimination by the State
All hermaphrodites are created unequal, it is just that for the medical profession and the Hull PCT (Primary Care Trust), some hermaphrodites are more unequal than others when it comes to treatment and medical care. For me that was just the way it went I never received any treatment and support, or a consistent diagnosis in my entire life from the local Health Authority and grew to not expect any. After sixty years I just assumed the systemic discrimination was the same for all transsexuals and hermaphrodites, the repeated misdiagnosis and inherent secrecy an optional extra, thanks to a lasting legacy from my father and family GP, intent upon keeping me as male regardless of the consequences.
And they wonder why many hermaphrodites from my generation, especially those with Klinfelter and PAIS (partial androgen insensitivity syndrome) have an abiding mistrust and dislike of the medical profession. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that you made what was already a living nightmare. A million times worse with secrecy, the medical model of disability, systemic discrimination, personal stigma, and shame. Non consensual surgery, forcing some hermaphrodites to remain in a sex they did not identify with and could never physically become – nurture is stronger than nature, or so they once believed regardless of empirical scientific evidence and truth – wrong!
Not helped by the two and a half years spent trying to get relatively minor surgery for a complication that is common with ageing ‘Sigmoids’, and the continuing failure to diagnose consistently, treat or support medically. If this is not systemic discrimination from the State and its Agents, I do not know what is but why?
The answer to this conundrum came like pieces in a jigsaw, firstly a year ago I discovered from my GP that according to my medical notes, I was a transsexual – what? Then, early this year, learning from the Ministry of Injustice that:
‘However, I understand that it is thought that a small percentage of intersex people will also be transsexual and for these people an application to the Gender Recognition Panel might well be appropriate.’
And where did the Ministry of Injustice Policy Unit get this erroneous, misguided, false, discriminatory understanding, Doctors? Because in my personal opinion this makes about as much sense as saying that it is thought that some days will be night, because some males will be female and others will not, despite having the same ASD (alternative sexual development) they will also be transsexual. Utter rubbish! I for one would like to test this systemic discrimination, denial of medical treatment, legal recognition and rights, openly in a court of law.
See you in court Nazi’s!
The Final Taboo
Shell shocked, shaky, unwashed and somewhat slightly dazed is how I feel, having received a copy of my medical file from the hospital, where decades ago I went through a male to female transfer, with ‘Sigmoid’. I now know what destroyed my life from before I was even born, rather than have to keep writing these interminable, boring blogs. Trying to pin a name to pin a name to the iceberg into which I smashed, sailing at full speed across the ocean of existence, towards my inevitable destruction, the consequences of a doomed puberty that like reinforced concrete, set all about my fractured, faulted form.
I even learnt the facts about ‘Sigmoids’ and how they were pioneered by the French in the 1940’s, while out there on planet Zog it was not surprising that at times I felt like not the only one, but the first (only for a PAIS at that unit). Because in decades I never knowingly met another ‘Sigmoid’ or had any support and advice concerning this procedure and being hermaphrodite (later know as intersex) from the local Health Authority.
Forever alone with the Alone, I survived through personal denial and the reflective qualities of the void, of the emptiness, the isolation, the separation from all things normal that being a hermaphrodite causes as if long dead, you endure through imitation and incorporation – I see, therefore I do and am.
The monster that destroyed my life has a name, a cause and effect there is no avoiding, no escaping as it turned a thousand rusted and broken cog wheels. Though along with this particular monster other things hide in silence, creatures that killed with pale poisons, animals that stunted, warped human potential and possibility for selfish gain, deadly reptiles cold to the touch and sweating blood, transparent truths separating parallel realities with impenetrable barriers.
Things that surprised, that hurt through stealth and determination came screaming from the Pandora’s box of secrets I had finally opened. While searching for the truth and some understanding of what caused my personal fall, the fracture that split my life asunder, blighting all that I might become before societies unforgiving, two sex tyranny and technological totalitarianism’s remorseless search for perfection and standardisation.
Turning life for the ‘outsiders’, the shadows and all touched by physical and mental imperfections, into a nightmare without end within the high definition, high delusion lies of the military and industrial complexes lifeless wasteland. That is postindustrial western society, for those ‘zombied out’ by the endless pursuit of personal wealth and power.
What really upset me was not learning the reason I never had normal genitalia or virilised at puberty, a living nightmare for thirty years. Most of it trying to get help from Doctors intent upon making what was already difficult enough, a thousand times worse. But the fact that when I leant the curses secret name – partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS) – I realised that someone had tested me for it as a child. Because at the time I did not know what the hell was going on and no one told me, or bothered to ask what sex I might personally prefer to be.
It was this endemic secrecy on the part of the medical profession and parents that eventually killed, as surely as if someone had put a gun to your head and pulled the trigger. Like a cancer it festered away in the imagination because though no one told you what was happening and why, it and the domestic consequences, it killed slowly, inexorably. Because partial androgen insensitivity syndrome does not just destroy any chance of a normal life for the child, it also destroys the parents lives and in some cases marriages.
At least I now understand why my father and family Doctor were so determined that I was going to be male, regardless of the personal consequences and fact that someone knew I did not have a hope in hell of developing into anything resembling a normal man.
Given their determination regarding the fact that I was going to be male, I did not stand a chance from the very beginning. I was born with a perfectly formed little ‘willey’ and that meant I was going to be a man, regardless of whether my genitalia developed or not, which it did not beyond the age of five or six.
Why do seemingly loving, caring parents, suddenly become irrational monsters with the determination of rutting rhinoceros. When faced with a child suffering from partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (PAIS) level 3, little ‘willey’ syndrome? Whose genitalia did not develop as other children, who medically had not a hope in hell of virilising without pharmacological intervention (against my personal wishes).
Putting such children through a social and personal nightmare that like shards of shattered glass, penetrates to the very heart of their being, their sense of self worth with the inevitable inferiority and inadequacy complexes. Destroying like a virus, at first unnoticed more an inconvenience than a life threatening condition. Until the inevitable moment of impact – puberty – when like ‘road kill’, you are left for dead while the party moves on.
Bemused, frightened and alone, even that old survival mechanism of ‘imitation and incorporation’ failing to protect. As like a badly acted role in a play, you stand exposed in the ‘spot light’ more dead than alive, mouthing someone else’s lines despite having long ago lost your place in the script. Why fifty, sixty years ago, did what relatives, friends and neighbours think or say, matter more than the personal ‘well being’ of a child, especially if that child was physically different through no fault of their own?
Because someone tested me for partial androgen insensitivity syndrome when I was a child, yet no one told me, or asked if I felt like a girl or a boy and which I might prefer to be. I was christened a boy and a boy I would remain according to my father and family GP. They must have been really pissed, when a few years later, having heard about people changing their sex (whose filling your head with this nonsense?). I started to say I did not feel happy as a boy but would prefer to be a girl (what would the neighbours think?).
Determined that I was going to be a man, all be it one with little ‘willey’ syndrome and no sex drive, they (father/GP) set me up as a schizophrenic before I even encountered the medical profession. As if a double barrel shotgun, fired at point blank range into my heart when I sat through Bickfords infamous speech: ‘If I got a patient coming to see me, asking to be Nelson. The last thing I would do is arrange for a surgeon to amputate their arm and take out their eye. You are clearly a schizophrenic and with the correct medication and support, there is no reason why you should not live a full and productive life’. I knew my father and the family Doctor were doing everything they could, to ensure I did not manage to find someone to help surgically. Bastards!
Having proven to Bickford that I was not a schizophrenic, but not before a final attempt to virilise me with God knows what? I think steroids because at the time I developed what is called a ‘moon face’, became suddenly very fat and hairy, though me genitalia never increased in size and I still did not develop a sex drive. Bastards!
What happened about the tests for partial androgen insensitivity syndrome I do not know, but by the time I had seen a fourth psychiatrist I was firstly a transvestite then suddenly a transsexual (you were always normal as far as I was concerned). At least he encouraged me to live full time as female, less schizophrenic than being a male one day and female the next but not as much fun (what would the neighbours think?). He even gave me a letter: ‘To whom it my concern … ’ in case I was arrested going into female toilets (catheterise them), not that I ever was.
When I eventually managed to escape from my father and the family Doctor, the strange thing was, not only did my medical file appear to contain anything about genital abnormality and partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. I had by that point seen the infamous Doctor Randell at Charring Cross Hospital, who refused to treat me saying: ‘I do not think that you are a transsexual.’ Bastard! Despite which, there was no letter from him to my family GP explaining why he would not treat me (cheering off stage).
Had they no idea of the personal trauma they were putting me through? Or the times I stood alone upon the edge of nothingness not caring if I lived or died. But above all, the devastating consequences of not only being abnormal but the fact that as the years passed, I metamorphosed physically into an ‘It’, a ‘thing’ that was no longer human but an ‘outsider’, a bemused spectator before the cruel sports of the ‘normals’.
Poisoned by the very thing I should have become from birth, it was a personal curse there was to be no escaping in this world or the next, especially if my father and family GP had anything to do with it. I do not know if it had anything to do with the fact that the GP was an Irish Catholic and my father always used to play at the Irish Society Saint Patrick’s Day dinner/dance and I got lots of streamers.
At least I had a perfectly formed little ‘willey’, more than those born with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome (CAIS - formally known as gentile feminisation syndrome) did. But like they say, you can’t miss what you never had. It may have taken sixty years but I have escaped the Final Taboo and am proud to say I did not have the balls for a successful sex change operation, but personally I would rather have more brains than balls.
Not happy with the years of child abuse, forcing someone to remain a sex they do not identify as or with, against their wishes, is a form of child abuse inflicted upon me by my father and family GP. This was the lasting legacy I took with me when, having realised that unless I escaped the malign influence of the determined monsters they increasingly became; I would remain forever male and probably personally damaged. To the point when I could no longer be integrated successfully into society as a functioning male or female.
Encouraging me to live full time as female and a letter ‘to whom it may concern’, was the only practical help I ever received from the local Health Authority, whose second most senior psychiatrist appeared incapable of telling the difference between a transvestite, transsexual and hermaphrodite.
It was an endocrinologist from the Withington Hospital in Manchester who first prescribed oestrogen and surgeons from the Leeds health Authority. Who finally performed the surgery I had so long been denied by those determined I was going to be male and remain that way. Regardless of partial androgen insensitivity syndrome (little ‘willey’ syndrome), the fact that I could not virilise without pharmacological intervention and never had, or would have a male sex drive.
Which is why, thirty-six years after Doctor Randell refused to treat me, thirty years after a male to female transfer with ‘Sigmoid’ because I did not have the balls for a successful penile inversion (sex change), or need breast implants. According to my medical records with the local Health Authority I remain a transsexual, all be it the only one without the balls for a sex change, who did not need breast implants I have come across.
But when you understand the litany of lies used to glorify the anti-Christ, justify the Priests of hate and vacuous Vicars, it is not surprising.
