Old Hermy’s Never Die
They Simply Smile That Way ……
A monthly blog about ‘stuff’ your grandmother could or would never tell you!
Do hermaphrodites have legal rights?
Throughout contemporary history hermaphrodites have been forced to conform to the two sex reality imposed by the Vatican Codex, which states implicitly that God created only male and female. Physicians and lawyers became responsible through examination of the hermaphrodite body, for determining the sex that predominated and an individuals legal gender.
Though in Roman culture, individuals had the power to ‘choose’ a sex through sexual preference and activity, they would then be expected to remain in that sex for the rest of their lives. Because as with contemporary law, there was no category or legal rights for hermaphrodites and those with an intersex condition, they were either male or female.
While the determination of an individuals sex was important not just when it came to marriage, property and inheritance. But in determining if sexual activity was sodomy, punishable with either the death penalty or hard labour. Or legally acceptable and in accordance with God’s commandments as stated in the Vatican Codex.
Law like religion, remains an instrument for the mutual reciprocation of male dominance (even in a so-called gender neutral society), of legitimising existing power structures and above all else, money, individual worth in this world and the next.
This is the battle-ground upon which, congenital greed and psychotic ‘control freakery’ are played out, by those privileged enough to be able to buy justice in this life and salvation in the next. For those who are inherently superior because of sex and social worth, in the either/or lottery of an unreality where only two sexes prevail, two social possibilities exist.
Despite scientific evidence that chromosonaly there are five sexes*, while physically, genital combinations and abnormalities in the human form add to the overall number** of possible sexes. Making a mockery of the two sex tyranny, technological totalitarianism and a dead religion continue to impose upon human possibility and evolution.
By denying hermaphrodites legal recognition and social rights unless they conform to the role expectations of male or female, through non-consensual or consensual surgical procedures. Many performed for purely cosmetic reasons, especially upon those with the open form of hermaphrodism, diagnosed at birth and treat shortly afterwards for what is a non medical emergency. Denying those involved the fundamental human right as hermaphrodites, to determine their own sex, rather than have it imposed by over enthusiastic urologists and well meaning but deluded medical professionals.
It is inconceivable and utterly shameful that at the start of the twenty-first century, a significant minority who through no choice of their own are born to be bullied and tyrannised, into becoming either male or female by the medical profession and society. Continue to be denied legal recognition and rights in contemporary societies, to be oppressed by the limited and limiting religious delusion that God created only male and female.
When all else should be drowned in a horse-trough at birth or surgically altered, made perfect and normal, if normal it be. Because the truth is we are never going to be normal, despite all the surgery and treatment we are always going to be hermaphrodites. Freaks of nature forced to spend our lives conforming to stereotypical sex roles and expectations.
Denying to ourselves and the world what we are and always will be, different and proud not to be wholly one sex or another but something more. Who without legal rights will continue to be damned, tyrannised, ethnically cleansed from decent, God fearing society and its brutal two sex tyranny.
Women have legal rights, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, even transsexuals have legal rights but not hermaphrodites. We remain a contradiction of form that has no choice but to conform, to become something we are not, normal. At least while the legal profession continue to deny the existence of hermaphrodites, a legal concept, which according to historians disappeared without trace from English law towards the end of the 18th century.***
Part of the post industrial perfection of scientific rationalism and religious fundamentalism that had no place for the imperfections and abnormalities, nature produced with unfailing regularity. Ethnically cleansed from legal statutes, damned and denied by the Priests of hate, it fell to the medical profession to become normality’s guardians and the fundamentalist storm-troopers of a two sex reality.
Responsible for upholding the illusions and delusions of a species that acknowledged only two possible sexes, two shared realties that in many respects might as well be from completely different species, with women being from Venus and men from Mars.
As for me, I must have been from Alpha Century and like a ‘trickster’, forced to exist socially through deception and self-denial without legal recognition and rights as a hermaphrodite. A thing that having crawled from the primal slime, would be stamped to death and swept under a convenient carpet simply for daring to have been born.
Because the politicians and their co-conspirators in criminality, the Law Lords, and lackey lawyers, would have you believe that at the start of the twenty-first century. We live in what they laughingly call a ‘gender neutral’ society with equal rights for all but hermaphrodites, a word that non dare speak and minority that throughout history.
Have been little more than a foot-note to the growing lists of those ethnically cleansed from the shared social history of a two sex tyranny, and the mad monsters controlling the military and industrial complex. Pulling upon the almost invisible strings that bind the puppets and automatons (the normals), through a collective consciousness with its shared delusions and unquestionable lies.
A ‘gender neutral’ society! Clearly the majority have not lived as women in this so-called ‘gender neutral’ society, where little if anything has changed since the heady days of feminism. When women marry they still sacrifice their birth name to become 'goods and chattel’, not men. Look up and you will see the glass ceiling slowly becoming lower and lower. Because only a man, a smug, self-satisfied man, would ever say we live in a ‘gender neutral’ society.
Where hermaphrodites do not have or deserve legal recognition and rights, not when the medical profession can continue to surgically alter and modify all imperfection, all physical abnormality. Making it normal and perfect in constant denial of the fundamental truth, there is no such thing as normal and perfect in nature, only infinite possibility, constant evolution, adaptation, and alteration.
Hermaphrodites continue to be born despite the legal and medical professions assertion that there is no such thing, apart from as some mythical creature from pre-scientific rationalism’s convenient, cosmetically altered histories. That is why most live life’s of silent desperation, worrying about talking in our sleep and are forced to deny even to ourselves, what we were and are, different.
Part male and part female but wholly neither, whose history, culture and identity were sacrificed under the surgeons knife in the constant struggle to make perfect all imperfection in the fantasy, advertising potential of a global market they call existence, if existence it be. For the compliant sleep-walkers, the normals, the living dead that like grey shadows drift unquestioningly through life, if life it be.
Because personally, I think it must be really boring to be normal. I am proud to be different, proud to be a hermaphrodite without legal recognition and rights in contemporary society. Proud that I did not even have the balls for a successful sex change operation.
To long have hermaphrodites been denied a history, a culture, a personal identity, legal rights and the chance to simply be what we are beyond the two sex tyranny and ethnic cleansing of the medical profession. To long have we existed like freaks, medical curiosities in a fair-ground ‘hall of cracked, distorting mirrors’ wanting only what we can never have, normality, personal acceptance and forgiveness for the unforgivable crime of being born hermaphrodites.
To long have we gone silent and accepting into the operating theatres and consulting rooms, suffering mutilation, pain, and personal trauma in search of social acceptance. To long have hermaphrodites been marginalized and regarded as things to be denied, damned and destroyed by the normals for the convenience of a two sex reality.
To long have hermaphrodites been denied legal and social rights in contravention of national and international laws. To long have hermaphrodites, many born ‘Holy Innocents’ without the sin of sex, been damned by the Priests of hate and their male God of men; Lord of a dead and decaying religion incapable of changing, of evolving and like the dinosaurs, destined for inevitable extinction.
To long have hermaphrodites been ethnically cleansed from this world and it’s collective consciousness, its shared reality, and social structures. To long …
The Sigmoid Colon – a thirty year retrospective
It was thirty years ago when I had the privilege of becoming the first intersex patient in the UK, to have what eventually became known as a Sigmoid Colon procedure performed at Saint James University hospital.
Not that I had much of a choice at the time, having gone into hospital believing I was a transsexual about to have sex change surgery. Only to learn that I was what they called a hermaphrodite, who did not even have a large enough penis for successful surgery and was, to use the technical term, proper fucked.
Not surprisingly I went into complete denial about being a hermaphrodite and concentrated upon simply surviving the considerable traumas of surgery. Because it was either face the inevitable scarring from skin grafts, or willingly become the first intersex patient in the UK for a new procedure the surgeon wanted to try. Despite being told of the potential complications and dangers that such surgery involved, I chose as I would now, to have what became known as a Sigmoid Colon. This is were they use sections of colon to fill in the missing parts.
Fortunately the procedure worked and I was not only able to have intercourse for the first time in my life but experience the leg trembling joys of orgasm. Though as the years went inexorably by, I did start to suffer a few personal difficulties. Which, as the owner of a shiny new, show-room ready Sigmoid Colon, I think it worth being aware of, rather than make the same mistakes and face the same difficulties that I and others have experienced.
These being:
(i) HRT (hormone replacement therapy) – That old chestnut again! As an old hermy I can not stress enough the importance of hormone replacement therapy (HRT), be that oestrogen or testosterone. Because you, like most of us, with the inevitable passage of the years will become complacent about the importance of HRT, especially if you have no gonads of your own – remember you should expect to be on HRT all your life.
Sure, at first you will notice no real changes or consequences and like me, start to think that you do not need it, so why bother? But be warned changes are occurring slowly, unnoticed in your body. Changes that can have devastating consequences upon your quality of life in later years. Resulting in the lose of your sex drive or libido and bone density, along with a whole range of debilitating, chronic conditions.
Be your poison testosterone or oestrogen, neglect HRT at your peril and don’t say you were not warned. I was but still neglected to use HRT as prescribed and in later years began to experience the consequences, now I take it as recommended.
(ii) Intercourse – Like those of us given the Sigmoid Colon treatment by the National Health Service, you no doubt suffered from undeveloped genitalia. I had a penis the size of a five year old in my late twenties, larger than some but smaller than most.
So do not get hung-up over your inevitable penis envy, it is a natural condition given what you, what we all went through as children and in adolescence. That is why I always went for the big ones, the ‘silver backs’ and alpha males because you can’t beat a bit of big cock – nice!
For me the join and first three inches made from my genitalia were always problematic, it could by very uncomfortable with a large penis but pain and pleasure are often closely linked within the brains pleasure centres, according to that well known misogynist Freud. Just relax and enjoy it, given what you, what we all went through from birth, it is small consolation for having been born to be bullied.
(iii) Fuck Points – By ‘fuck points’ I do not mean the prize in a television game show, these are points were during intercourse your partner will penetrate up to. This will inevitable result in some degree of trauma to internal tissue, causing it to slowly swell and seal off; making it difficult, if not impossible, dependent on the frequency of trauma, to get past.
Should you have not been using a condom, sperm along with gung and mucus can in effect become permanently entombed behind this seal like the things in a tomb. Like HRT the consequences of these ‘fuck points’ may not at first become apparent but non the less, they can be as detrimental to your health and sex life.
Usually it will not become apparent until you change your partner, though if you stay with the same person it should not be a problem. When, if larger, they will try to penetrate past the ‘fuck point’, only for it to spasm and having closed tighter, in effect try to force out the penis trying to get past it.
Personally I had a number of partners and as the years went on, though I did not notice at the time. Because of previous ‘fuck points’, I appeared to be penetrated less and less deeply. Which for me physically was less and less satisfactory, it was like layers of rock strata up there, one layer forming on top of the last through a process of deposition and tissue trauma.
That is why I would recommend running a vibrator, or dilator past the ‘fuck point’ on a regular basis, just to stop a blockage from forming and trapping sperm and gung behind it. Otherwise you could end up like me, so full of sperm and gung; it makes your abdomen become swollen.
While slowly, almost unnoticed, you will be penetrated less and less deeply. Until inevitably intercourse becomes no longer a pleasure but an uncomfortable, unsatisfying experience for all involved. Because you would not believe the amount of sperm that gets shoved up there over the years, some my dribble out but most actually goes up. Especially the tighter the join and first few inches made from your undeveloped genitalia, the stronger the capillary action.
My final advice to you is do not end up being driven frigid, or stop dilating for any long period of time. Assuming that because you have been sexually active for decades, things will still be in working order after years of abstinence and personal neglect – IT WILL NOT!
Especially if the surgeons used what penile tissue there was for re-constructive surgery and to form the first two or three inches of the vagina, onto which was then joined the missing section of colon. Where these sections are joined you get what is called ‘scare tissue’ and the major problem with ‘scare tissue’, is the fact that it does not stretch.
Unless you regularly keep this join open, it will start to constrict until it becomes impossible to get anything larger than a pencil past it. Go frigid and neglect regular sex, or dilation at your
peril!
(iv) Lubrication – As you will see from the promotional material, your shiny new Sigmoid Colon is said to be self-cleaning (only if you stop ‘fuck points’ from developing) and self lubricating. While the constant vaginal discharge you now live with can be inconvenient and mess up your underwear, it will lessen after about twenty years and as you get older, it may become essential to rely up KY (other brands of vaginal lubricant are available).
Though even after surgery, when at my most promiscuous, I still found it helpful to use a pessary before intercourse, especially if a dedicated night fucking until dawn washed like a luminous stain across the eastern sky and unable to walk, we fell into a hot, sticky but contented sleep.
Never underestimate the importance of adequate lubrication, even the normals need to use it at times, especially in later life. So never be ashamed to use extra lubrication of necessary, a passery used before intercourse is more discrete, unless you and your partner are into strawberry flavoured lubricant – yum, yum.
(v) Related health problems – Whether others with a Sigmoid Colon suffered from this problem or not, I do not know. But personally I began to experience colon related illnesses such as inflammation and bleeding.
Of course this may not be directly related to having parts of my colon removed and used for other purposes. Many people who have never had a Sigmoid Colon suffer from a range of other problems and illnesses. So it could just be that I would have suffered these problems, regardless of the surgery.
(v) Conclusions – Faced with the same situation and circumstances, insufficient penile tissue for a successful sex change. The only solution to which, was either extensive scarring from skin grafts or to have a ‘Sigmoid Colon’? Would I make the same choice knowing what I do now and having experienced what I have? Damned right I would because it worked for me, I had a sex life and experienced the joy of orgasm.
Having spent twenty-five years of my life as nothing, devoid of sex drive or libido it quite literally saved my life. Pulling me from the multiple motorway smash existence became for me. Though had I the choice of penile tissue or Sigmoid Colon, personally I would go for the penile inversion. If only because they do not experience the difficulties and problems, especially with the join and first section but they were lucky and had the best of both worlds.
While I was nothing, a sexless, bemused spectator, an interloper in the world of the normals neither fish nor fowl. To be ethnically cleansed, along with all the other hermaphrodites. Shame on you all!
Hypocrisy, discrimination and hermaphobia in the NHS (Nazi Health Service)
Hypocrisy
Hypocritical are those upon the front-line, ethnically cleansing hermaphrodites from good, God fearing society’s around the world. Those who continue to deny the existence of anything other than religions two sex tyranny, as God created only male and female. Anything else must be the work of the Devil and Satan’s spawn.
Those who perform non-consensual surgery upon any born with one of the open forms of hermaphrodism, who force individuals that are neither wholly male or female, to deny to themselves and the world what they are, to become something they are not and never will be.
For the convenience of the normals and their limiting two sex reality, hermaphrodites continue to be ethnically cleansed in the most insidious manner, to live life as a lie for the convenience of others. Who might be disturbed, or upset by this ‘life unworthy of life’.
Denied, destroyed, and damned for being born different, the hypocrisy of the medical profession knows no bounds. Because having forced hermaphrodites to become either male or female, they then continue to treat us as freaks, never allowing us to forget this fact by forcing patients who may require treatment for complications relating to previous surgery. To go through a different, second class health care system. By having to apply to ‘exceptional treatment’ panels for funding in order to have even minor surgery, usually performed at the other end of the country.
Which as I can tell you from personal experience, can take six months for them to make a decision before even getting onto the waiting list. No one else has to do this and it is clearly discriminatory and hypocritical. After all, the medical profession insists that intersex patients become male or female. Only when we do, they hypocritically impose a different, second class health care system upon us.
Refusing equal, consistent care through discriminatory practices and standards for those, who in their cold steely eyes, will never be normal, never really male or female. But remain freaks and laboratory animals to be experimented upon, interesting curiosity’s whose existence continues to be denied. Whose history, culture and personal identity have been systematically, ethnically cleansed throughout history. In the name of medical perfection and the one true God.
If the medical profession do not have the common human decency to treat us equally as either men or women, even after the personal trauma’s of extensive surgery. What hope do we have in a society dominated by greed and the illusions of perfection for the normals? Those born completely male or female!
Other than to make people aware of the hypocrisy and sanctimonious shit, regarding the systematic ethnic cleansing of hermaphrodites from decent, God fearing societies. But that is what happens when the snake kissers, the happy clappy, intolerant ‘storm troopers’ and Priests of scientific rationalism can completely remove any recognition, or legal rights for
hermaphrodites from the law at the end of the 18th century.***
Shame upon you! Hypocrites and sanctimonious shits that you are.
To long have we gone compliant, willing, silent, into the gas chambers of obscurity and sterile operating theatres in the name of normality. To long have we been ethnically cleansed from the social histories of contemporary societies. To long have we been damned and denied the right to exist as hermaphrodites. To long have we hidden in the shadows, apologising for our own existence beyond the collective certainty of a two sex tyranny.
To long have we willingly become what we are not, so as not to question or upset the God given two sex tyranny, technological totalitarianism imposes upon all at the moment of birth – blue blanket or pink blanket? To long have we been compliant in appeasing the delusions of the normals. Hypocritical indeed are those upon the front-line in a war against difference and imperfection, ethnically cleansing hermaphrodites from all good, God fearing society’s around the world.
Discrimination
Actions speak louder than words and nothing exemplifies more the inherent, long standing discrimination that hermaphrodites and intersex patient’s face with the National Health Service. Than those I have unfortunately experienced not only half a century ago but recently, having by this point lived three quarters of my life as a woman, a second class citizen in this so-called ‘gender neutral’ society – you are taking the piss, aren’t you? Because the first casualty of recession and economic depression, is ‘gender neutrality’ in the war of the sexes.
Only to be constantly treat as a freak, to be discriminated against when requiring even minor surgery. Normals do not have to apply to ‘exceptional treatment’ panels for the funding to receive treatment. Normals do not have to wait months for bureaucrats and Doctors to allow them the funding, before they can even get on the waiting lists for an appointment to see a surgeon.
Normals do not have to travel half way across the country to see one of the dwindling numbers of urologists that have treat hermaphrodites. Normals do not have to spend two years trying to get minor treatment that would make such a different to their life. Normals do not have to wait a year to see a Consultant, only to have the appointment cancelled just weeks before it was due, because the surgeon involved has retired and they have to go to the back of the waiting list.
Normals do not have to spend fifteen years trying to get treatment as I unfortunately did when younger. At least while hermaphrodites continue to be discriminated against simply for being born different, when transsexuals had to live only one year in their chosen sex and I had to live years without hope of help or treatment. Due to being a hermaphrodite without the balls for a sex change operation.
If you are fortunate enough to receive treatment, it will be radically different to the normals, to even transsexuals. Possibly performed non-consentualy shortly after birth, or only after years, decades of trying to get help for the closed or hidden form - if you are not happy and wish to be reassigned to a different sex.
So institutionalised and routine is the discrimination against hermaphrodites within the National Health Service, it is considered normal, acceptable practice against individuals denied legal acknowledgement, rights and recognition socially, medically and personally.
No one bothers to complain, speak out, or acknowledge individuals who through no fault of their own are born different. Born to be bullied into conforming to the two sex tyranny of technological totalitarianism. Forced to deny the truth of what they, what we are to society and ourselves by becoming something we will never really be, wholly male or female. By living life as a lie, accepting the daily discrimination, and post code lottery treatment we receive as inevitable, routine and acceptable.
Hermaphobia
Because that is what it is - hermaphobia!
Rooted in history and tradition, denied legal recognition and rights from the 18th century*** onwards. This is ethnic cleansing in its most insidious form, lies and denial that reach back through history, a religious inquisition that became part of the collective consciousness and two sex tyranny of the normals.
Which denies and damn’s the existence of hermaphrodites, who remain legally and socially nothing but mythical creatures, neither fish nor fowl, without legal rights unless they live a lie and conform to the two sex tyranny that passes for normal.
All who frighten and disturb the fragile web of lies that is the fundamental basis of contemporary society and the medical model of disability. When all can be cured, made perfect and whole in an imperfect world. Where the most evangelical of hermaphobes remain the Priests and Doctors, ever eager to call in the urologist at the first opportunity.
A medical nightmare most definitely without end!
Damned are those unfortunate to be cursed with the consequences of repeated medical misdiagnosis at the hands of incompetent, unquestionable Doctors and their familiars. Those hiding still amongst the lengthening shadows of ‘concentration camp’ Europe and the shiny new Nazi’s, blessed with the benefits of unelected accountability as they voted for each other’s silent conspiracy and the biblical certainty of mans God.
The great architect of secret handshakes and mutual reciprocation onboard the ‘gravy train’, travelling first class into the growing ‘heart of darkness’. Where they made it up as they went along, losing razor-blade encrusted spin and enough spittle to float a nuclear aircraft carrier the size of their selfish egos.
At least those who suffered at the hands of the ‘concentration camp’ Doctors of Death, who remain amongst the most inhuman, monstrous creatures to come slithering and sliding from the primal slim of post industrialised Western Europe, eventually got justice of a kind.
Even the victims and relatives of Britains most prolific serial killer, a Doctor, got justice of a kind and personal closure. But no those of us unfortunate enough to be repeatedly misdiagnosed and mistreat. Those who like me had whatever chance of a life and happiness I might have had, destroyed by the curse of inconsistency and incompetence.
This metamorphosed into a medical nightmare most definitely without end, hope of justice and closure in this life. Or the next, if the Priests of hate and Pope Adolph the Persecutor are to be believed – especially if like me you are ‘life unworthy of life’.
Just being born different, a hermaphrodite is to be born without legal recognition and rights, because according to British law there are no such things as hermaphrodites – only men and women (read do hermaphrodites have legal rights).
Just being born different was to be born to be bullied, harassed, abused, damned, denied, isolated, and alienated by the two sex tyranny of male and female. Imposed upon all through social expectation and personal assumption.
Just being born different was like a slow motion, motorway, multiple smash that there is no escaping. While all the Doctors ever did for me from the age of eight, was make the horror of not knowing what I was, or why I felt the way I did a million times harder to cope with.
Turning what should have been a blessing, a chance to explore the infinite possibility of the human condition. To discover the full possibility of self and sexuality, into a medical nightmare most definitely without end. For all like me, who were repeatedly failed by hypocritical, sanctimonious, unaccountable Doctors with repeated misdiagnosis and treatment.
Even after it should have become obviouse what I was, when the country’s leading authority upon transsexuals refused to treat me for not being a transsexual. Especially after the trauma of surgery and the fact that I did not even have the balls for a successful sex change operation, did not need breast implants yet according the psychiatrists in the local Health Authority, I was and will remain a transsexual.
This from a man who did not know the difference between ‘I can’t believe its not butter’ and butter, or a transsexual from a hermaphrodite. Because anywhere but in the local Health Authority, someone without the balls for a successful sex change operation, their own breasts, and all the other shit, would have been called a hermaphrodite and not a transsexual.
Still, it was fifty years ago and the poor man was still trained to regard homosexuality as a criminal offence. Transsexualism was something he probably once read a Sunday colour supplement magazine article on and they, along with that legally non existent species, the hermaphrodite, went in the rubbish bin marked ‘gas chamber’.
As if being born a hermaphrodite was not personal nightmare enough when you don’t know what is happening and why. Made all the worse by societies two sex tyranny, the medical professions inconsistency and inaccuracy of diagnosis, along with the hypocrisy of religious delusional, with their ‘Mafia’, male protection racket in this world and the next.
Not that I would receive any relevant treatment, counselling or help from the local Heath Authority. From the point were, having already been diagnosed and treat as a schizophrenic, depressive (something to do with being misdiagnosed as a schizophrenic). Transvestite (at least a psychiatrist finally noticed I did not have a sex drive and I did try it but preferred to take my clothes off to have sex rather than put them on).
I was then diagnosed as a transsexual and encouraged to live as a woman. Despite there
being no treatment available through the National Health Service for freaks like me. Those born with apparently normal, perfectly formed genitalia that for various reasons, does not go on to develop as it should throughout the child’s life. For those unfortunates who were born to be bullied and forever cast beyond all hope of normality, because fates fickle finger having writ moves on.
At least I am now proud to be abnormal, happy to be different and as for the so-called two sex, two chromosome normality of male and female. That must be so boring and normal, it is like a living death for the ‘face back’, ‘me pod’, high definition clones of La La Land, with their virtual lives and genetically modified remote control fingers.
I found but a brief period of hope and optimism beyond the thickening shroud, the medical nightmare most definitely without end. Finally a psychiatrist had diagnoses me as being what I first thought I was years ago, a confused and frightened transsexual. What luck! Just as I was in the process of beginning to transition from male to fame, the countries first ‘gender identity unit’ opened at Charring Cross Hospital in London, under Doctor Randell the countries leading authority upon transsexuals.
Not only that, I managed to get an appointment to see him, thinking that at long last my personal nightmare was all but at an end. Do my year as a woman and snip, snip, no more micro penis. Little did I know, the medical nightmare most definitely without end, for me at least, had not yet even begun to blow me empty like a pricked egg.
Especially while my father and family Doctor remained determined that I would become a man, regardless of the consequences to my personal happiness and sanity. Having already been forced to take steroids/testosterone for two years against my wishes, despite having long ago explained that I did not feel happy as a boy.
I do not think that I have ever felt so depressed, suicidal, fat, hairy and male. Except for my genitalia, which did not develop and a sex drive that remained non existent. Leaving me feeling like an alien, a stranger in a strange land damned to remain a holy innocent, without medical intervention and surgical reconstruction.
Forever dead from the waist down it was a personal nightmare, from which there would be no escape, no happy ending or normal life, beyond the personal lies the medical profession, the two sex tyranny makes those born different tell. In the unending struggle for normality and social acceptance, when we must deny the truth to even ourselves, before the cracked and distorting mirrors life is played out in front of.
It felt like having the world fall from beneath your feet, like having a scaffolding post thrust into your abdomen while a thundering herd of Wildebeests moved across the barren, dusty spaces of my mind. With my mouth moving as though that of a fish gasping but no sound, no ill conceived words coming out as I internalised Doctor Randells surprise announcement that: ‘I will not treat you.’ I finally managed to ask ‘Why?’ to which his reply: ‘I do not think that you are a transsexual.’ Before being asked to close the door on my way out.
It felt as if being gutted alive with an ice cold, razor sharp knife. It was as one more dead than alive, a dazed survivor from a devastating cataclysm, destroying all I hoped and dreamt in the secret places of my fractured being. What was the point in starting to live full time as a woman, what was the point of anything without hope? Something to hold onto as the earth and everything that I once thought solid and certain, dropped from beneath my feet.
Leaving only a gnawing emptiness to consume me as the scaffolding post came out of my back, leaving me impaled and lifeless upon the consequences of this most unexpected of failures. So what was I according to the country’s leading expert upon transsexualism, the bloody Easter Bunny?
Whatever I was, he would never tell me. Little wonder I went on an alcohol and drugs bender that delayed my transitioning for some months. At least until an endocrinologist from the Withington Hospital in Manchester, finally prescribed oestrogen and suddenly I began to feel normal, physically and psychologically.
What I did not know at the time, was the fact that I had just walked into the middle of some classic professional empire building. With the team from Charring Cross under Randell, arguing with another teaching hospital who said that transsexualism had a physical cause that had as yet not been discovered. While Randell and his team at Charring Cross were saying that it was a purely psychological condition.
Consequently, it was not just that the Health Authority’s second most senior psychiatrist misdiagnosed me as a transsexual, it was that I did not fit the purely psychological model of transsexualism’ with my big hips and physical abnormalities common to hermaphrodites. But the fact that I did not have the balls for a successful sex change operation. This was to lead to the local Heath Authority abandoning me and from that point to this day, not giving any support or treatment.
Because a transsexual I had been diagnosed and a transsexual I would remain, according to the Hull and East Riding Health Authority. Determined as ever to brush embarrassing, repeated misdiagnosis under a convenient carpet in order to protect the professional reputation and standing of its senior consultants. Regardless of the consequences it had upon their patients treatment and lives.
Essentially this was nothing but good old hermaphobia, insistent as ever that there are only two sexes, male and female. Because according to organised religion, everything else was destined for the flames of Hell whose fuel is said to be stones and all ‘life unworthy of life’ according to the word of God. Allowing the most hermaphobic of Doctors to discriminate against hermaphrodites.
Transsexuals had to live only one year in their chosen sex before getting treatment, I had to live in it for years. Because of hermaphobic discrimination and the fact that I did not have sufficient penile tissue for a successful sex change. If that is not blatant discrimination by the Health Service against someone unfortunate enough to be born a hermaphrodite, I do not know what is.
Though at that point in time I still did not know what I was, let alone why my genitalia failed to develop as other children’s had. That I would not discover until I was admitted into hospital for surgery, when finally I learnt the truth about my fractured form and condition and promptly went into complete denial. Not that I knew what a hermaphrodite was, let alone admit it to even myself at that point in time.
TO BE CONTINUED
Notes
*Fausto-Sterling
**See Iain Morland ‘Why five sexes are not enough’ (2007)
*** ‘The Disappearance of the Hermaphrodite from Western Law: Some Consequences for the Methodology of Legal Anthropology’ Douglas Brooker
References
‘Sex Changes’? Paradigm Shifts in ‘Sex’ and ‘Gender’ Following the Gender Recognition Act?’ Stephen Whittle and Lewis Turner
‘Social Theory and Law’ Brooker et al
The Gender Recognition Act 2004
To read further extracts from a profiler’s casebook, ‘The Distressing Case Of The Missing Girls’, part two ‘Mutually Assured Distraction’ click on the following link: https://ser101@wordpress.com/
They Simply Smile That Way ……
A monthly blog about ‘stuff’ your grandmother could or would never tell you!
Do hermaphrodites have legal rights?
Throughout contemporary history hermaphrodites have been forced to conform to the two sex reality imposed by the Vatican Codex, which states implicitly that God created only male and female. Physicians and lawyers became responsible through examination of the hermaphrodite body, for determining the sex that predominated and an individuals legal gender.
Though in Roman culture, individuals had the power to ‘choose’ a sex through sexual preference and activity, they would then be expected to remain in that sex for the rest of their lives. Because as with contemporary law, there was no category or legal rights for hermaphrodites and those with an intersex condition, they were either male or female.
While the determination of an individuals sex was important not just when it came to marriage, property and inheritance. But in determining if sexual activity was sodomy, punishable with either the death penalty or hard labour. Or legally acceptable and in accordance with God’s commandments as stated in the Vatican Codex.
Law like religion, remains an instrument for the mutual reciprocation of male dominance (even in a so-called gender neutral society), of legitimising existing power structures and above all else, money, individual worth in this world and the next.
This is the battle-ground upon which, congenital greed and psychotic ‘control freakery’ are played out, by those privileged enough to be able to buy justice in this life and salvation in the next. For those who are inherently superior because of sex and social worth, in the either/or lottery of an unreality where only two sexes prevail, two social possibilities exist.
Despite scientific evidence that chromosonaly there are five sexes*, while physically, genital combinations and abnormalities in the human form add to the overall number** of possible sexes. Making a mockery of the two sex tyranny, technological totalitarianism and a dead religion continue to impose upon human possibility and evolution.
By denying hermaphrodites legal recognition and social rights unless they conform to the role expectations of male or female, through non-consensual or consensual surgical procedures. Many performed for purely cosmetic reasons, especially upon those with the open form of hermaphrodism, diagnosed at birth and treat shortly afterwards for what is a non medical emergency. Denying those involved the fundamental human right as hermaphrodites, to determine their own sex, rather than have it imposed by over enthusiastic urologists and well meaning but deluded medical professionals.
It is inconceivable and utterly shameful that at the start of the twenty-first century, a significant minority who through no choice of their own are born to be bullied and tyrannised, into becoming either male or female by the medical profession and society. Continue to be denied legal recognition and rights in contemporary societies, to be oppressed by the limited and limiting religious delusion that God created only male and female.
When all else should be drowned in a horse-trough at birth or surgically altered, made perfect and normal, if normal it be. Because the truth is we are never going to be normal, despite all the surgery and treatment we are always going to be hermaphrodites. Freaks of nature forced to spend our lives conforming to stereotypical sex roles and expectations.
Denying to ourselves and the world what we are and always will be, different and proud not to be wholly one sex or another but something more. Who without legal rights will continue to be damned, tyrannised, ethnically cleansed from decent, God fearing society and its brutal two sex tyranny.
Women have legal rights, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, even transsexuals have legal rights but not hermaphrodites. We remain a contradiction of form that has no choice but to conform, to become something we are not, normal. At least while the legal profession continue to deny the existence of hermaphrodites, a legal concept, which according to historians disappeared without trace from English law towards the end of the 18th century.***
Part of the post industrial perfection of scientific rationalism and religious fundamentalism that had no place for the imperfections and abnormalities, nature produced with unfailing regularity. Ethnically cleansed from legal statutes, damned and denied by the Priests of hate, it fell to the medical profession to become normality’s guardians and the fundamentalist storm-troopers of a two sex reality.
Responsible for upholding the illusions and delusions of a species that acknowledged only two possible sexes, two shared realties that in many respects might as well be from completely different species, with women being from Venus and men from Mars.
As for me, I must have been from Alpha Century and like a ‘trickster’, forced to exist socially through deception and self-denial without legal recognition and rights as a hermaphrodite. A thing that having crawled from the primal slime, would be stamped to death and swept under a convenient carpet simply for daring to have been born.
Because the politicians and their co-conspirators in criminality, the Law Lords, and lackey lawyers, would have you believe that at the start of the twenty-first century. We live in what they laughingly call a ‘gender neutral’ society with equal rights for all but hermaphrodites, a word that non dare speak and minority that throughout history.
Have been little more than a foot-note to the growing lists of those ethnically cleansed from the shared social history of a two sex tyranny, and the mad monsters controlling the military and industrial complex. Pulling upon the almost invisible strings that bind the puppets and automatons (the normals), through a collective consciousness with its shared delusions and unquestionable lies.
A ‘gender neutral’ society! Clearly the majority have not lived as women in this so-called ‘gender neutral’ society, where little if anything has changed since the heady days of feminism. When women marry they still sacrifice their birth name to become 'goods and chattel’, not men. Look up and you will see the glass ceiling slowly becoming lower and lower. Because only a man, a smug, self-satisfied man, would ever say we live in a ‘gender neutral’ society.
Where hermaphrodites do not have or deserve legal recognition and rights, not when the medical profession can continue to surgically alter and modify all imperfection, all physical abnormality. Making it normal and perfect in constant denial of the fundamental truth, there is no such thing as normal and perfect in nature, only infinite possibility, constant evolution, adaptation, and alteration.
Hermaphrodites continue to be born despite the legal and medical professions assertion that there is no such thing, apart from as some mythical creature from pre-scientific rationalism’s convenient, cosmetically altered histories. That is why most live life’s of silent desperation, worrying about talking in our sleep and are forced to deny even to ourselves, what we were and are, different.
Part male and part female but wholly neither, whose history, culture and identity were sacrificed under the surgeons knife in the constant struggle to make perfect all imperfection in the fantasy, advertising potential of a global market they call existence, if existence it be. For the compliant sleep-walkers, the normals, the living dead that like grey shadows drift unquestioningly through life, if life it be.
Because personally, I think it must be really boring to be normal. I am proud to be different, proud to be a hermaphrodite without legal recognition and rights in contemporary society. Proud that I did not even have the balls for a successful sex change operation.
To long have hermaphrodites been denied a history, a culture, a personal identity, legal rights and the chance to simply be what we are beyond the two sex tyranny and ethnic cleansing of the medical profession. To long have we existed like freaks, medical curiosities in a fair-ground ‘hall of cracked, distorting mirrors’ wanting only what we can never have, normality, personal acceptance and forgiveness for the unforgivable crime of being born hermaphrodites.
To long have we gone silent and accepting into the operating theatres and consulting rooms, suffering mutilation, pain, and personal trauma in search of social acceptance. To long have hermaphrodites been marginalized and regarded as things to be denied, damned and destroyed by the normals for the convenience of a two sex reality.
To long have hermaphrodites been denied legal and social rights in contravention of national and international laws. To long have hermaphrodites, many born ‘Holy Innocents’ without the sin of sex, been damned by the Priests of hate and their male God of men; Lord of a dead and decaying religion incapable of changing, of evolving and like the dinosaurs, destined for inevitable extinction.
To long have hermaphrodites been ethnically cleansed from this world and it’s collective consciousness, its shared reality, and social structures. To long …
The Sigmoid Colon – a thirty year retrospective
It was thirty years ago when I had the privilege of becoming the first intersex patient in the UK, to have what eventually became known as a Sigmoid Colon procedure performed at Saint James University hospital.
Not that I had much of a choice at the time, having gone into hospital believing I was a transsexual about to have sex change surgery. Only to learn that I was what they called a hermaphrodite, who did not even have a large enough penis for successful surgery and was, to use the technical term, proper fucked.
Not surprisingly I went into complete denial about being a hermaphrodite and concentrated upon simply surviving the considerable traumas of surgery. Because it was either face the inevitable scarring from skin grafts, or willingly become the first intersex patient in the UK for a new procedure the surgeon wanted to try. Despite being told of the potential complications and dangers that such surgery involved, I chose as I would now, to have what became known as a Sigmoid Colon. This is were they use sections of colon to fill in the missing parts.
Fortunately the procedure worked and I was not only able to have intercourse for the first time in my life but experience the leg trembling joys of orgasm. Though as the years went inexorably by, I did start to suffer a few personal difficulties. Which, as the owner of a shiny new, show-room ready Sigmoid Colon, I think it worth being aware of, rather than make the same mistakes and face the same difficulties that I and others have experienced.
These being:
(i) HRT (hormone replacement therapy) – That old chestnut again! As an old hermy I can not stress enough the importance of hormone replacement therapy (HRT), be that oestrogen or testosterone. Because you, like most of us, with the inevitable passage of the years will become complacent about the importance of HRT, especially if you have no gonads of your own – remember you should expect to be on HRT all your life.
Sure, at first you will notice no real changes or consequences and like me, start to think that you do not need it, so why bother? But be warned changes are occurring slowly, unnoticed in your body. Changes that can have devastating consequences upon your quality of life in later years. Resulting in the lose of your sex drive or libido and bone density, along with a whole range of debilitating, chronic conditions.
Be your poison testosterone or oestrogen, neglect HRT at your peril and don’t say you were not warned. I was but still neglected to use HRT as prescribed and in later years began to experience the consequences, now I take it as recommended.
(ii) Intercourse – Like those of us given the Sigmoid Colon treatment by the National Health Service, you no doubt suffered from undeveloped genitalia. I had a penis the size of a five year old in my late twenties, larger than some but smaller than most.
So do not get hung-up over your inevitable penis envy, it is a natural condition given what you, what we all went through as children and in adolescence. That is why I always went for the big ones, the ‘silver backs’ and alpha males because you can’t beat a bit of big cock – nice!
For me the join and first three inches made from my genitalia were always problematic, it could by very uncomfortable with a large penis but pain and pleasure are often closely linked within the brains pleasure centres, according to that well known misogynist Freud. Just relax and enjoy it, given what you, what we all went through from birth, it is small consolation for having been born to be bullied.
(iii) Fuck Points – By ‘fuck points’ I do not mean the prize in a television game show, these are points were during intercourse your partner will penetrate up to. This will inevitable result in some degree of trauma to internal tissue, causing it to slowly swell and seal off; making it difficult, if not impossible, dependent on the frequency of trauma, to get past.
Should you have not been using a condom, sperm along with gung and mucus can in effect become permanently entombed behind this seal like the things in a tomb. Like HRT the consequences of these ‘fuck points’ may not at first become apparent but non the less, they can be as detrimental to your health and sex life.
Usually it will not become apparent until you change your partner, though if you stay with the same person it should not be a problem. When, if larger, they will try to penetrate past the ‘fuck point’, only for it to spasm and having closed tighter, in effect try to force out the penis trying to get past it.
Personally I had a number of partners and as the years went on, though I did not notice at the time. Because of previous ‘fuck points’, I appeared to be penetrated less and less deeply. Which for me physically was less and less satisfactory, it was like layers of rock strata up there, one layer forming on top of the last through a process of deposition and tissue trauma.
That is why I would recommend running a vibrator, or dilator past the ‘fuck point’ on a regular basis, just to stop a blockage from forming and trapping sperm and gung behind it. Otherwise you could end up like me, so full of sperm and gung; it makes your abdomen become swollen.
While slowly, almost unnoticed, you will be penetrated less and less deeply. Until inevitably intercourse becomes no longer a pleasure but an uncomfortable, unsatisfying experience for all involved. Because you would not believe the amount of sperm that gets shoved up there over the years, some my dribble out but most actually goes up. Especially the tighter the join and first few inches made from your undeveloped genitalia, the stronger the capillary action.
My final advice to you is do not end up being driven frigid, or stop dilating for any long period of time. Assuming that because you have been sexually active for decades, things will still be in working order after years of abstinence and personal neglect – IT WILL NOT!
Especially if the surgeons used what penile tissue there was for re-constructive surgery and to form the first two or three inches of the vagina, onto which was then joined the missing section of colon. Where these sections are joined you get what is called ‘scare tissue’ and the major problem with ‘scare tissue’, is the fact that it does not stretch.
Unless you regularly keep this join open, it will start to constrict until it becomes impossible to get anything larger than a pencil past it. Go frigid and neglect regular sex, or dilation at your
peril!
(iv) Lubrication – As you will see from the promotional material, your shiny new Sigmoid Colon is said to be self-cleaning (only if you stop ‘fuck points’ from developing) and self lubricating. While the constant vaginal discharge you now live with can be inconvenient and mess up your underwear, it will lessen after about twenty years and as you get older, it may become essential to rely up KY (other brands of vaginal lubricant are available).
Though even after surgery, when at my most promiscuous, I still found it helpful to use a pessary before intercourse, especially if a dedicated night fucking until dawn washed like a luminous stain across the eastern sky and unable to walk, we fell into a hot, sticky but contented sleep.
Never underestimate the importance of adequate lubrication, even the normals need to use it at times, especially in later life. So never be ashamed to use extra lubrication of necessary, a passery used before intercourse is more discrete, unless you and your partner are into strawberry flavoured lubricant – yum, yum.
(v) Related health problems – Whether others with a Sigmoid Colon suffered from this problem or not, I do not know. But personally I began to experience colon related illnesses such as inflammation and bleeding.
Of course this may not be directly related to having parts of my colon removed and used for other purposes. Many people who have never had a Sigmoid Colon suffer from a range of other problems and illnesses. So it could just be that I would have suffered these problems, regardless of the surgery.
(v) Conclusions – Faced with the same situation and circumstances, insufficient penile tissue for a successful sex change. The only solution to which, was either extensive scarring from skin grafts or to have a ‘Sigmoid Colon’? Would I make the same choice knowing what I do now and having experienced what I have? Damned right I would because it worked for me, I had a sex life and experienced the joy of orgasm.
Having spent twenty-five years of my life as nothing, devoid of sex drive or libido it quite literally saved my life. Pulling me from the multiple motorway smash existence became for me. Though had I the choice of penile tissue or Sigmoid Colon, personally I would go for the penile inversion. If only because they do not experience the difficulties and problems, especially with the join and first section but they were lucky and had the best of both worlds.
While I was nothing, a sexless, bemused spectator, an interloper in the world of the normals neither fish nor fowl. To be ethnically cleansed, along with all the other hermaphrodites. Shame on you all!
Hypocrisy, discrimination and hermaphobia in the NHS (Nazi Health Service)
Hypocrisy
Hypocritical are those upon the front-line, ethnically cleansing hermaphrodites from good, God fearing society’s around the world. Those who continue to deny the existence of anything other than religions two sex tyranny, as God created only male and female. Anything else must be the work of the Devil and Satan’s spawn.
Those who perform non-consensual surgery upon any born with one of the open forms of hermaphrodism, who force individuals that are neither wholly male or female, to deny to themselves and the world what they are, to become something they are not and never will be.
For the convenience of the normals and their limiting two sex reality, hermaphrodites continue to be ethnically cleansed in the most insidious manner, to live life as a lie for the convenience of others. Who might be disturbed, or upset by this ‘life unworthy of life’.
Denied, destroyed, and damned for being born different, the hypocrisy of the medical profession knows no bounds. Because having forced hermaphrodites to become either male or female, they then continue to treat us as freaks, never allowing us to forget this fact by forcing patients who may require treatment for complications relating to previous surgery. To go through a different, second class health care system. By having to apply to ‘exceptional treatment’ panels for funding in order to have even minor surgery, usually performed at the other end of the country.
Which as I can tell you from personal experience, can take six months for them to make a decision before even getting onto the waiting list. No one else has to do this and it is clearly discriminatory and hypocritical. After all, the medical profession insists that intersex patients become male or female. Only when we do, they hypocritically impose a different, second class health care system upon us.
Refusing equal, consistent care through discriminatory practices and standards for those, who in their cold steely eyes, will never be normal, never really male or female. But remain freaks and laboratory animals to be experimented upon, interesting curiosity’s whose existence continues to be denied. Whose history, culture and personal identity have been systematically, ethnically cleansed throughout history. In the name of medical perfection and the one true God.
If the medical profession do not have the common human decency to treat us equally as either men or women, even after the personal trauma’s of extensive surgery. What hope do we have in a society dominated by greed and the illusions of perfection for the normals? Those born completely male or female!
Other than to make people aware of the hypocrisy and sanctimonious shit, regarding the systematic ethnic cleansing of hermaphrodites from decent, God fearing societies. But that is what happens when the snake kissers, the happy clappy, intolerant ‘storm troopers’ and Priests of scientific rationalism can completely remove any recognition, or legal rights for
hermaphrodites from the law at the end of the 18th century.***
Shame upon you! Hypocrites and sanctimonious shits that you are.
To long have we gone compliant, willing, silent, into the gas chambers of obscurity and sterile operating theatres in the name of normality. To long have we been ethnically cleansed from the social histories of contemporary societies. To long have we been damned and denied the right to exist as hermaphrodites. To long have we hidden in the shadows, apologising for our own existence beyond the collective certainty of a two sex tyranny.
To long have we willingly become what we are not, so as not to question or upset the God given two sex tyranny, technological totalitarianism imposes upon all at the moment of birth – blue blanket or pink blanket? To long have we been compliant in appeasing the delusions of the normals. Hypocritical indeed are those upon the front-line in a war against difference and imperfection, ethnically cleansing hermaphrodites from all good, God fearing society’s around the world.
Discrimination
Actions speak louder than words and nothing exemplifies more the inherent, long standing discrimination that hermaphrodites and intersex patient’s face with the National Health Service. Than those I have unfortunately experienced not only half a century ago but recently, having by this point lived three quarters of my life as a woman, a second class citizen in this so-called ‘gender neutral’ society – you are taking the piss, aren’t you? Because the first casualty of recession and economic depression, is ‘gender neutrality’ in the war of the sexes.
Only to be constantly treat as a freak, to be discriminated against when requiring even minor surgery. Normals do not have to apply to ‘exceptional treatment’ panels for the funding to receive treatment. Normals do not have to wait months for bureaucrats and Doctors to allow them the funding, before they can even get on the waiting lists for an appointment to see a surgeon.
Normals do not have to travel half way across the country to see one of the dwindling numbers of urologists that have treat hermaphrodites. Normals do not have to spend two years trying to get minor treatment that would make such a different to their life. Normals do not have to wait a year to see a Consultant, only to have the appointment cancelled just weeks before it was due, because the surgeon involved has retired and they have to go to the back of the waiting list.
Normals do not have to spend fifteen years trying to get treatment as I unfortunately did when younger. At least while hermaphrodites continue to be discriminated against simply for being born different, when transsexuals had to live only one year in their chosen sex and I had to live years without hope of help or treatment. Due to being a hermaphrodite without the balls for a sex change operation.
If you are fortunate enough to receive treatment, it will be radically different to the normals, to even transsexuals. Possibly performed non-consentualy shortly after birth, or only after years, decades of trying to get help for the closed or hidden form - if you are not happy and wish to be reassigned to a different sex.
So institutionalised and routine is the discrimination against hermaphrodites within the National Health Service, it is considered normal, acceptable practice against individuals denied legal acknowledgement, rights and recognition socially, medically and personally.
No one bothers to complain, speak out, or acknowledge individuals who through no fault of their own are born different. Born to be bullied into conforming to the two sex tyranny of technological totalitarianism. Forced to deny the truth of what they, what we are to society and ourselves by becoming something we will never really be, wholly male or female. By living life as a lie, accepting the daily discrimination, and post code lottery treatment we receive as inevitable, routine and acceptable.
Hermaphobia
Because that is what it is - hermaphobia!
Rooted in history and tradition, denied legal recognition and rights from the 18th century*** onwards. This is ethnic cleansing in its most insidious form, lies and denial that reach back through history, a religious inquisition that became part of the collective consciousness and two sex tyranny of the normals.
Which denies and damn’s the existence of hermaphrodites, who remain legally and socially nothing but mythical creatures, neither fish nor fowl, without legal rights unless they live a lie and conform to the two sex tyranny that passes for normal.
All who frighten and disturb the fragile web of lies that is the fundamental basis of contemporary society and the medical model of disability. When all can be cured, made perfect and whole in an imperfect world. Where the most evangelical of hermaphobes remain the Priests and Doctors, ever eager to call in the urologist at the first opportunity.
A medical nightmare most definitely without end!
Damned are those unfortunate to be cursed with the consequences of repeated medical misdiagnosis at the hands of incompetent, unquestionable Doctors and their familiars. Those hiding still amongst the lengthening shadows of ‘concentration camp’ Europe and the shiny new Nazi’s, blessed with the benefits of unelected accountability as they voted for each other’s silent conspiracy and the biblical certainty of mans God.
The great architect of secret handshakes and mutual reciprocation onboard the ‘gravy train’, travelling first class into the growing ‘heart of darkness’. Where they made it up as they went along, losing razor-blade encrusted spin and enough spittle to float a nuclear aircraft carrier the size of their selfish egos.
At least those who suffered at the hands of the ‘concentration camp’ Doctors of Death, who remain amongst the most inhuman, monstrous creatures to come slithering and sliding from the primal slim of post industrialised Western Europe, eventually got justice of a kind.
Even the victims and relatives of Britains most prolific serial killer, a Doctor, got justice of a kind and personal closure. But no those of us unfortunate enough to be repeatedly misdiagnosed and mistreat. Those who like me had whatever chance of a life and happiness I might have had, destroyed by the curse of inconsistency and incompetence.
This metamorphosed into a medical nightmare most definitely without end, hope of justice and closure in this life. Or the next, if the Priests of hate and Pope Adolph the Persecutor are to be believed – especially if like me you are ‘life unworthy of life’.
Just being born different, a hermaphrodite is to be born without legal recognition and rights, because according to British law there are no such things as hermaphrodites – only men and women (read do hermaphrodites have legal rights).
Just being born different was to be born to be bullied, harassed, abused, damned, denied, isolated, and alienated by the two sex tyranny of male and female. Imposed upon all through social expectation and personal assumption.
Just being born different was like a slow motion, motorway, multiple smash that there is no escaping. While all the Doctors ever did for me from the age of eight, was make the horror of not knowing what I was, or why I felt the way I did a million times harder to cope with.
Turning what should have been a blessing, a chance to explore the infinite possibility of the human condition. To discover the full possibility of self and sexuality, into a medical nightmare most definitely without end. For all like me, who were repeatedly failed by hypocritical, sanctimonious, unaccountable Doctors with repeated misdiagnosis and treatment.
Even after it should have become obviouse what I was, when the country’s leading authority upon transsexuals refused to treat me for not being a transsexual. Especially after the trauma of surgery and the fact that I did not even have the balls for a successful sex change operation, did not need breast implants yet according the psychiatrists in the local Health Authority, I was and will remain a transsexual.
This from a man who did not know the difference between ‘I can’t believe its not butter’ and butter, or a transsexual from a hermaphrodite. Because anywhere but in the local Health Authority, someone without the balls for a successful sex change operation, their own breasts, and all the other shit, would have been called a hermaphrodite and not a transsexual.
Still, it was fifty years ago and the poor man was still trained to regard homosexuality as a criminal offence. Transsexualism was something he probably once read a Sunday colour supplement magazine article on and they, along with that legally non existent species, the hermaphrodite, went in the rubbish bin marked ‘gas chamber’.
As if being born a hermaphrodite was not personal nightmare enough when you don’t know what is happening and why. Made all the worse by societies two sex tyranny, the medical professions inconsistency and inaccuracy of diagnosis, along with the hypocrisy of religious delusional, with their ‘Mafia’, male protection racket in this world and the next.
Not that I would receive any relevant treatment, counselling or help from the local Heath Authority. From the point were, having already been diagnosed and treat as a schizophrenic, depressive (something to do with being misdiagnosed as a schizophrenic). Transvestite (at least a psychiatrist finally noticed I did not have a sex drive and I did try it but preferred to take my clothes off to have sex rather than put them on).
I was then diagnosed as a transsexual and encouraged to live as a woman. Despite there
being no treatment available through the National Health Service for freaks like me. Those born with apparently normal, perfectly formed genitalia that for various reasons, does not go on to develop as it should throughout the child’s life. For those unfortunates who were born to be bullied and forever cast beyond all hope of normality, because fates fickle finger having writ moves on.
At least I am now proud to be abnormal, happy to be different and as for the so-called two sex, two chromosome normality of male and female. That must be so boring and normal, it is like a living death for the ‘face back’, ‘me pod’, high definition clones of La La Land, with their virtual lives and genetically modified remote control fingers.
I found but a brief period of hope and optimism beyond the thickening shroud, the medical nightmare most definitely without end. Finally a psychiatrist had diagnoses me as being what I first thought I was years ago, a confused and frightened transsexual. What luck! Just as I was in the process of beginning to transition from male to fame, the countries first ‘gender identity unit’ opened at Charring Cross Hospital in London, under Doctor Randell the countries leading authority upon transsexuals.
Not only that, I managed to get an appointment to see him, thinking that at long last my personal nightmare was all but at an end. Do my year as a woman and snip, snip, no more micro penis. Little did I know, the medical nightmare most definitely without end, for me at least, had not yet even begun to blow me empty like a pricked egg.
Especially while my father and family Doctor remained determined that I would become a man, regardless of the consequences to my personal happiness and sanity. Having already been forced to take steroids/testosterone for two years against my wishes, despite having long ago explained that I did not feel happy as a boy.
I do not think that I have ever felt so depressed, suicidal, fat, hairy and male. Except for my genitalia, which did not develop and a sex drive that remained non existent. Leaving me feeling like an alien, a stranger in a strange land damned to remain a holy innocent, without medical intervention and surgical reconstruction.
Forever dead from the waist down it was a personal nightmare, from which there would be no escape, no happy ending or normal life, beyond the personal lies the medical profession, the two sex tyranny makes those born different tell. In the unending struggle for normality and social acceptance, when we must deny the truth to even ourselves, before the cracked and distorting mirrors life is played out in front of.
It felt like having the world fall from beneath your feet, like having a scaffolding post thrust into your abdomen while a thundering herd of Wildebeests moved across the barren, dusty spaces of my mind. With my mouth moving as though that of a fish gasping but no sound, no ill conceived words coming out as I internalised Doctor Randells surprise announcement that: ‘I will not treat you.’ I finally managed to ask ‘Why?’ to which his reply: ‘I do not think that you are a transsexual.’ Before being asked to close the door on my way out.
It felt as if being gutted alive with an ice cold, razor sharp knife. It was as one more dead than alive, a dazed survivor from a devastating cataclysm, destroying all I hoped and dreamt in the secret places of my fractured being. What was the point in starting to live full time as a woman, what was the point of anything without hope? Something to hold onto as the earth and everything that I once thought solid and certain, dropped from beneath my feet.
Leaving only a gnawing emptiness to consume me as the scaffolding post came out of my back, leaving me impaled and lifeless upon the consequences of this most unexpected of failures. So what was I according to the country’s leading expert upon transsexualism, the bloody Easter Bunny?
Whatever I was, he would never tell me. Little wonder I went on an alcohol and drugs bender that delayed my transitioning for some months. At least until an endocrinologist from the Withington Hospital in Manchester, finally prescribed oestrogen and suddenly I began to feel normal, physically and psychologically.
What I did not know at the time, was the fact that I had just walked into the middle of some classic professional empire building. With the team from Charring Cross under Randell, arguing with another teaching hospital who said that transsexualism had a physical cause that had as yet not been discovered. While Randell and his team at Charring Cross were saying that it was a purely psychological condition.
Consequently, it was not just that the Health Authority’s second most senior psychiatrist misdiagnosed me as a transsexual, it was that I did not fit the purely psychological model of transsexualism’ with my big hips and physical abnormalities common to hermaphrodites. But the fact that I did not have the balls for a successful sex change operation. This was to lead to the local Heath Authority abandoning me and from that point to this day, not giving any support or treatment.
Because a transsexual I had been diagnosed and a transsexual I would remain, according to the Hull and East Riding Health Authority. Determined as ever to brush embarrassing, repeated misdiagnosis under a convenient carpet in order to protect the professional reputation and standing of its senior consultants. Regardless of the consequences it had upon their patients treatment and lives.
Essentially this was nothing but good old hermaphobia, insistent as ever that there are only two sexes, male and female. Because according to organised religion, everything else was destined for the flames of Hell whose fuel is said to be stones and all ‘life unworthy of life’ according to the word of God. Allowing the most hermaphobic of Doctors to discriminate against hermaphrodites.
Transsexuals had to live only one year in their chosen sex before getting treatment, I had to live in it for years. Because of hermaphobic discrimination and the fact that I did not have sufficient penile tissue for a successful sex change. If that is not blatant discrimination by the Health Service against someone unfortunate enough to be born a hermaphrodite, I do not know what is.
Though at that point in time I still did not know what I was, let alone why my genitalia failed to develop as other children’s had. That I would not discover until I was admitted into hospital for surgery, when finally I learnt the truth about my fractured form and condition and promptly went into complete denial. Not that I knew what a hermaphrodite was, let alone admit it to even myself at that point in time.
TO BE CONTINUED
Notes
*Fausto-Sterling
**See Iain Morland ‘Why five sexes are not enough’ (2007)
*** ‘The Disappearance of the Hermaphrodite from Western Law: Some Consequences for the Methodology of Legal Anthropology’ Douglas Brooker
References
‘Sex Changes’? Paradigm Shifts in ‘Sex’ and ‘Gender’ Following the Gender Recognition Act?’ Stephen Whittle and Lewis Turner
‘Social Theory and Law’ Brooker et al
The Gender Recognition Act 2004
To read further extracts from a profiler’s casebook, ‘The Distressing Case Of The Missing Girls’, part two ‘Mutually Assured Distraction’ click on the following link: https://ser101@wordpress.com/
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